Adore Tim Hortons? This guy thinks you’re dumb

Adore Tim Hortons? This guy thinks you’re dumb

(Image: Tim Hortons/Facebook)

If you’re the kind of Canadian who considers few things more sacred than a Tim Hortons double-double, prepare to choke on your Old Fashioned Glazed. In an article titled “Okay, Canada, it’s time for the hard truth about Tim Hortons,” Macleans columnist Scott Feschuk has some real talk for people who “get weird” about what is, admittedly, a slightly pathetic patriotic rallying point. He writes:

Tim Hortons is not a defining national institution. Rather, it is a chain of thousands of doughnut shops, several of which have working toilets.

Tim Hortons is not an indispensable part of the Canadian experience. Rather, it is a place that sells a breakfast sandwich that tastes like a dishcloth soaked in egg yolk and left out overnight on top of a radiator.

Tim Hortons is not an anti-Starbucks choice that makes you a more relatable politician or a more authentic Canadian. Rather, it is a great place to buy a muffin if you’ve always wondered what it would be like to eat blueberry air.

Feschuk concludes by suggesting that joining forces with a foreign fast-food chain might not be the worst thing that could happen to Timmies (or, as he describes it, “the corporation that is traditionally depicted in our media as adored, iconic and able to cure hepatitis with its doughnut glaze”). As far as we know, he hasn’t yet been trampled by an angry, mildly caffeinated mob.