Four Weddings Canada, episode 9: it’s a nice day for a tacky $100,000 wedding

Stacy, age 27 (Budget: $30,000) Stacy’s a sore loser. At the end of the show she says, “I don’t know if the best wedding won. My wedding was the best.” Sadly, despite how upset she seems, she doesn’t pick up a bottle of prosecco and smash it over her competitors’ heads. Sigh. Sure, she’s not the winner of a trip to Turks and Caicos , but she still makes winning comments about how there’s “nothing better than a good meatball” and how Amber’s dress seems more suitable for a middle-aged woman getting married for the second time (it really is awful).

Zorica, age 26 (Budget: $100,000) In past episodes, after attending all four weddings, the ladies have—for the most part—convinced themselves they’ve made three new friends. But Zorica isn’t stupid: “One more wedding and I’ll never see you again,” she says. Unfortunately, despite admitting to “being a bit of a diva,” she’s not the kind of reality TV drama queen we’ve come to expect. What she is is a downer. She complains about being cold, and she’s none too impressed with how Marlena unintentionally flashes the crowd during a dance with her husband. She’s not here to make friends, yet she lacks any venom. We suppose she exhausted most of her energy trying not to look ridiculous while spending $100,000 on a wedding. When we’re left wondering how your ceremony cost so much, it means you didn’t do a good job. Sorry.

Amber, age 25 (Budget: $15,000) Amber’s a real character. And by “a real character,” we mean obnoxious. Here’s a laundry list of things she complains about: horses (she fears them); ethnic ceremonies (she’s put off by a Serbian wedding ceremony at a Serbian wedding); Zorica’s painted-on bridesmaid dresses (they were very cheap-looking); pork (she doesn’t like the taste or smell); Marlena’s wedding cake (she believes it was made by a friend); ornate churches (she doesn’t care for all the pictures); and standing (she rudely sits down when everyone else is on their feet at Zorica’s wedding). We don’t care for her one bit.

Marlena, age 30 (Budget: $10,000) Marlena is a colon hydrotherapist who sees “a lot of poop,” and she’s also of the mindset that “if you go outside and hug a tree, you’ll just be totally calm and just absorb this amazing energy. Trees are wicked.” We’re not saying she’s a stoner, but she could easily be mistaken for one. Where Amber is kind of a bitch, Marlena is super-nice. She likes everything about Stacy’s wedding, from her dress to her ceremony to her first dance. She likes Amber’s sangria, too. If Marlena were anything close to a celebrity and had her own Ben and Jerry’s ice cream flavour, it would be called Sweet ’n’ Spacey. Because that’s exactly what she is.

For being off-putting, rude, bratty, above pork and culturally insensitive (we can complain, too), we bestow the honour of this week’s Head Bitch in Ceremony to Amber.

(Oh, and Amber won the honeymoon.)