Four Weddings Canada, episode 8: how to be a buffoon and still get married

Kayla, age 24 (Budget: $35,000) Kayla, while fairly innocuous (sorry, your nose ring doesn’t make you interesting), remarks that Diana’s ballroom dancers “really took away from the, um, wedding.” Future brides, take note: having entertainment at your reception will take away from the wedding you had hours earlier. Somehow. What we love about Kayla, though, is how she will eat anything. She won’t stop talking about how much she likes food, and how if it’s in front of her, she’ll eat it. We like a girl with a healthy appetite.

Diana, age 33 (Budget: $70,000) Diana spent $70,000 on her wedding. What an unbelievable waste of money. And for what? A chaffing dish of tripe, a pasta bar and an unnerving number of dinner courses? Sometimes the impetus to provide an alarming amount of food feels like the matrimonial equivalent of a middle-aged man buying a sports car. Whether it’s traditional or not, there’s a lot of waste. As for Diana’s character, she proves she’s a classy lady at Karen’s reception when she’s able to identify the fruit floating in her signature cocktail as lychee (the other brides have no idea, so this is quite a welcome revelation). She mentions this three times in succession, proving that she’s very sophisticated. To recap: Diana can identify fruit and explain what it is by stating what it is. Lychee.

Holly, age 30 (Budget: $16,000) We present the fool. When she notices that there’s more than one fork on the table, she asks, “What are all these for?” She refers to Parmesan cheese as “stinky-feet cheese” (lady, you are 30 years old!); she doesn’t like “venturing outside of what [she] grew up on”; she doesn’t eat eggplant; and she still needs to ask if meat is supposed to be pink in the middle. It’s almost painful to watch Holly because her lax attitude about everything is viewed as endearing by the other brides in an “Aw shucks, look at the girl with the lack of social grace,” Pretty Woman sort of way. But we found ourselves put off by her behaviour (just suck it up and choke down the pink roast beef, girl). People sat through the boxed chicken nugget appetizers and canned corn side at her Halloween wedding, so the least she can do is not be a total chump. How she found someone to marry her is completely puzzling to us.

Karen, age 30 (Budget: $35,000) Karen has a signature cocktail that she names the Sexy Snowball. How embarrassing. When she finds out that Holly is an ex go-go dancer, she throws out this gem: “It’s so nice to get to know the girls a little better.” She’s a total snob, sure, but it made us laugh. Otherwise, her winter wonderland wedding looks kind of like a prom, so perhaps she’s one of those people who peaked in high school.

For being vocal about what she doesn’t like eating to a point where we became exhausted just listening to it, and for her overall clowning around (great running man, though!), we award Holly with the title of this week’s Head Bitch in Ceremony.

(Oh, and Diana won the honeymoon.)