Four Weddings Canada, episode 7: rich brides, poor bride

Let’s not mince words. When you only have only $5000 for a wedding, it’s probably going to suck (not everyone can be Julia from last week). Sure, for the bride and groom, it could be the happiest day of their lives, but a soggy Pizza Hut buffet-style caesar salad probably isn’t going to cut it for the people who have to buy a gift. Sorry Samantha, someone had to say something. That said, it seems fairly cruel on the part of the Four Weddings Canada producers to pit Samantha against brides who clearly have the means to throw more extravagant affairs (the other brides’ budgets ranged from $30,000 to $55,000). We also don’t understand how bride Lisa Marie’s abundance of Tiffany blue is so well-received, or why it’s absolutely essential to spend $55,000 on a tacky wedding, but these are just some of the stupid things that happen on this week’s episode of Four Weddings Canada. Find out how much people hate cheap weddings, whose wedding-day look channels Madonna and who gets married at a “trendy, downtown location” after the jump.

Janine, age 30 (Budget: $55,000) Janine didn’t pull any punches when it came to talking about Samantha’s wedding (after all, she’s on the show to be a total bitch about weddings). She didn’t like her cash bar, she didn’t like her cheesecake and she really didn’t like her caesar salad (“I’m not finishing it. I can’t”). It’s safe to say that Janine never had a worse time at a wedding. Her distaste for anything casual, though, isn’t limited to Samantha’s nuptials—at Nicole’s ceremony and reception, she didn’t like “the casualness of the ceremony because it kind of took away from the romance of the day.” Ladies and gentlemen, Janine has a romance measuring device tucked away in her purse, so if you’re unsure about whether there’s an appropriate level of romance in the air, you just give her a holler.

Nicole, age 26 (Budget: $30,000) Nicole talks a lot—about bubbles, specifically. She can’t seem to blow hard enough to make a quality bubble, they get on her dress, and in general, she just hates them. On the subject: “Bubbles suck. Get a bubble machine. I hate bubbles.” In an effort to not sound like a total bitch, Nicole comments on Samantha’s wedding dress by saying “it’s not super flattering, but it’s pretty.” As for Lisa Marie’s gown? She thinks she looks really good and heavy and uncomfortable (what does that mean?). She’s seems all-too-aware of the fact that she’s on a reality show, which isn’t that fun to watch. Though she does make us laugh when she criticizes Janine’s dress for making her “boobs look pointy.” It’s an ’80s Madonna moment to be sure. We also think she’s trying way too hard when she refers to her venue as a “trendy, downtown location.” She’s so hip!

Lisa Marie, age 27 (Budget: $40,000) Lisa Marie is a loudmouth. She’s also kind of hilarious. We love dogs, but having one freely walk around at your reception (see Nicole’s wedding), while people eat food, seems a little strange. Lisa Marie agrees: “The dog’s cute, but honestly? Put it in the f!@#$%^ kennel and call it a day.” Hilarious. Lisa Marie embraces her bitchiness, but she needs to look in the mirror if she’s going to criticize Nicole’s very flattering wedding dress. She arrives at Nicole’s wedding wearing a dress that’s barely covering her genitalia (classy!). She doesn’t like Nicole’s venue or Nicole—she likens the space to a “great spot if you’re looking to buy a condo mid-construction,” and in response to Nicole’s reception entrance, she says she “threw up in her mouth a little.” There’s just no pleasing this woman.

Samantha, age 27 (Budget: $5,000-$8,000) Samantha is a real sweetheart who was unfairly pit against three brides with a lot of money and no taste. Again, sorry, Samantha.

For being loud, hilarious and wearing her 17 year old niece’s night-time costume to a wedding, we honour Lisa Marie with the title of this week’s H.B.I.C.

(Oh, and Lisa Marie won the honeymoon. Duh, she had a poutine and smoked meat sandwich buffet.)