Four Weddings Canada, episode 6: your wedding sucks

Gayle, age 38 (Budget: $10,000) Snooze. Gayle should be so amazing to watch—she’s ex-military, she’s a lesbian, she has her wedding ceremony at a water park, and she hires a drag performer for her reception. But she’s like a ghost. Boo.

Mary, age 24 (Budget: $22,000) Meet Mary, a bratty 24-year-old who not only hypes how much food she’ll be serving at her reception, but also yells at her mother over how much food there is (at the reception, in front of her guests). Of course, Mary isn’t just terrible to her mother—she’s also a jerk at the weddings. She hates Shannon’s pasta course, likening it to “eating lunch at a preschool,” and good luck getting her to consume one slice of kiwi in a quiet fashion (“I tried to eat a kiwi with my fingers. That doesn’t really work”). Dexterity aside, Mary also loses interest in Gayle’s drag queen performance minutes after it starts: she won’t even feign interest, yet expects people to sit through eight food courses and Russian acrobats at her reception. She complains about Julia’s small reception room countless times, and she has no concept of decorum—she’s so loud during the ceremonies and receptions (if we were there we would’ve made her shut up—perhaps by shoving a kiwi in her mouth).

Julia, age 26 (Budget: $5,000) Julia is hilarious. She refers to Mary’s venue, with its many doors, as “a whore house for weddings,” and she gives Mary’s reception a score of two—for no reason other than “it sucks.” That’s not just funny; it’s bitchy, too. In a show that’s meant to beef up the tension with quick edits that capture catty moments, the show’s producers and editors do a great job with Julia (of course, Julia deserves a round of applause too). What does she think of Mary’s dress? Mary’s boobs look good (they really do). That’s it, that’s all. Perfect. And Shannon’s dress? She says it looks cheap, satiny and kind of like her mother’s pajamas. Marry us, Julia.

Shannon, age 29 ($26,000) When confessed princess Shannon hears about Gayle’s drag performer, she says, “Save it for the comedy club.” At this point we can’t decide if people are more put off by being entertained or by being entertained by a drag queen specifically. That said, Shannon’s fairly harmless, though she clearly has no sense of etiquette—she even audibly spits food out into her napkin at Mary’s dinner (so, um, not dainty). But really, she’s just not a fun person: of Julia’s first dance, she says, “They bust out into fist pumping and grinding, and I’m just not into that.” We wouldn’t invite her to our wedding.

In a somewhat unorthodox turn, we’re nominating two brides for this week’s Head Bitch in Ceremony. Julia, because she’s awesome (funny and bitchy—we like), and Mary, because she might be the worst person in the world (she yelled at her mother at her wedding reception in front of everyone! Who does that?). She may even be worse than Taylor. Yes, Taylor.

(Oh, and Julia won the honeymoon.)