Four Weddings Canada, episode 5: who wants to marry a fifth grader?

Taylor, age 27 (Budget: $50,000) Taylor’s wedding is nice. She flies into her reception (at a war plane museum) in a bomber plane. The only thing wrong with Taylor’s wedding is Taylor. Here’s Taylor being insensitive: “I do not prefer having primarily Armenian music. I think people will leave Rayana’s wedding early, including me”; being stupid: “I thought it was a burger that tasted weird, and then we found out it was lamb”; being stupider: “Her [traditional Armenian] priest looked like a wizard”; being childish: “I don’t know why people have to ruin food with a vegetable, like mushrooms”; and being stupid again: “[Rayana’s food] was like rubber, like sandpaper”). It’s evident that Taylor has an aversion to ethnic ceremonies, since she pretends to translate Rayana’s Armenian ceremony, making jokes and showing disrespect to Rayana’s traditions. Hey, lady, people drank your Bacardi Breezers and ate your buffet food in an airplane hangar. Say it with us: “Shut up, Taylor.”

Rayana, age 30 (Budget: $50,000+) She’s sweet. She remarks twice that Gladys’s choice of black bridesmaid dresses is a bad one, because she thinks black is a sad colour. Otherwise, she’s a great guest. She’s not Taylor.

Gladys, age 30 (Budget: $55,000) Gladys is a bit of a Debbie Downer. She seems offended by Taylor’s grand entrance (too grand, she says), and she thinks it’s rude to have a buffet at a reception (because people have to stand up and walk over to serve themselves). She even sort of complains about Lisa’s kiss with her husband (it’s too much). She’s kind of a prude and doesn’t like a lot of things. Still, she’s not hell-beast Taylor.

Lisa, age 32 (Budget: $50,000) Lisa calls herself a “people’s princess,” which is a bit problematic, because that’s Princess Diana’s unofficial title. We’re pretty sure royalists everywhere threw down some choice words (“poppycock” and “rubbish” come to mind) when they heard that. Listening to Lisa was like hanging out with a girlfriend who just got a bedazzler for Christmas. She doesn’t shut up about “bling.” Apparently, brides who have it are awesome, and brides who have a little of it should have a lot. She says “bling” more than once, which is too much. Sure, Lisa should simmer down about how shiny she likes brides to be, but she’s nowhere near as awful as the Guinness World Record holder for worst person in the world, Taylor (we made up this fact).

HBIC

For not being able to suck back a perfectly acceptable butternut squash soup because “it looks like baby food, or baby puke”; for criticizing Gladys’s dress for looking like it was made of wrapped toilet paper; for being audibly insensitive at an Armenian wedding; for finding beet salad to be too fancy; and for so many more reasons, we present Taylor with the title of this week’s Head Bitch in Ceremony.

(Oh, and Gladys won the honeymoon.)