Four Weddings Canada, episode 4: drunk husband-bride
What’s a husband-bride? It’s a husband who stands in as a contestant after his wife has come down with a bit of food poisoning, an invention courtesy of Four Weddings Canada. The outcome is hilarious, and hilarity is something this week’s episode desperately needed. If the HB hadn’t been present, this edition would’ve been the most saccharine to date. Sorry, brides, but you all thought everything was lovely? Everything? And you know why you loved all of the dresses? Because you all basically had the same one. Get over yourselves. Find out why this week’s husband-bride, Matthew, was amazing and see who measured off the charts on our Bitch-O-Meter after the jump.
Jill, age 36 (Budget: $40,000)
Unfortunately, although Jill is “desperately worried about falling down the stairs,” she doesn’t. We don’t want her to actually get hurt, but it would’ve added some excitement to the ceremony. At the other ceremonies, Jill’s a nitpicker. When there’s tea, she comments, “I’m a wine drinker,” and when Ultimate Frisbee–playing bride Steph has a Frisbee at her reception, she complains, saying “There was a Frisbee. I’m not really sure what that was.” It’s a Frisbee, lady. Jill is such a keen observer that she also mistakes Chinese dragons for puppies. Oh, and she also has trouble blowing bubbles. She’s a smart cookie.
Steph, age 26 (Budget: $60,000)
Steph is a self-proclaimed “sucker for ruffles.” Okay. She stresses that Julia’s wedding reception could’ve been at “any banquet hall” and that her salad is just “a lump of green lettuce on a plate.” Apart from this somewhat subdued bitchy commentary, she’s kind of a delight. Snore.
Julia, age 25 (Budget: $25,000)
Julia has continued in the tradition of Four Weddings Canada brides who complain about the heat. Julia knocks three points off Jill’s venue score because of the heat, which we think is silly. We hope a future bride complains that there is too much oxygen, because that’s worth at least a five-point deduction. She complains about a berry garnish at a reception, stating that they look like a poisonous variety found in the woods. We laughed, because we thought the same thing. She says Steph’s wedding could use a little less colour, but other than that, she’s also very sweet. Painfully so. Bonus points: she makes her husband plan her wedding because she’s lazy.
Kim, age 24 (Budget: $22,000)
Kim’s the Charlotte York of this quartet. She spent a year and a half planning every aspect of the wedding herself, from the invitations to the centrepieces. She’s a total Pollyanna, with the insults to match: “I think I was thinking of a fancier golf course;” “the whole reception just reminded me of a cottage;” and “it seems like a typical guy’s meal.” Those really sting, Kim. Our favourite line: “I don’t normally try food.”
Matthew, age unknown (Julia’s husband)
Matt graciously steps in as a guest at Kim’s wedding when his wife comes down with food poisoning. Of course, it’s a free dinner and drinks, so it probably doesn’t take much convincing. He’s drunk during his confessionals, which we adore, because the rest of the brides just sit around congratulating each other. During Kim’s speeches, Matthew says, “I wanted to pay attention to the speeches, but I was starving. There was no food, so instead of eating, I drank, but got hammered.” When he finally does eat, he doesn’t much care for Kim’s lasagna, pointing out that he’s Italian (and has likely had better from a mall Sbarro, since he deems all wedding food inedible). Overall, he thinks Kim’s wedding “could have been better.” After all, he did plan his own wedding, so he knows.
For actually having an opinion, criticizing free food and then summing up his experience as “Let’s face it, they’re all a lot of fun,” we honour husband-bride Matthew with the title of this week’s Head Bitch in Ceremony.
(Oh, and Kim won the honeymoon.)