Dear Urban Diplomat: My protein-crazed brother plans to serve only meat for Christmas dinner
He’s vetoed carbs and replaced traditional sides with ham, ribs and bacon, which sounds like a gastric nightmare. Would it be wrong if I snuck in some potatoes?
Dear Urban Diplomat, My brother insists on cooking a high-protein Christmas dinner, and he’s vetoing all carbs. Carbs! At Christmas! Instead, we’re getting turkey, ham, prime rib and brussels sprouts with bacon. I offered to bring some classic sides, but he said no thanks. His teenage kids have already been brainwashed into eating high-protein, and he doesn’t want me un-schooling them. Is it wrong for me to bring the sides anyway? —Silence of the Yams, Lansing-Westgate
I’m getting meat sweats just picturing your brother’s spread, but dropping a mountain of mashed potatoes on his table is just wrong. Annoying as it may be, he’s hosting: his house, his meal, his effort, his expense. If you can’t stomach it, offer to host next year. In the meantime, you’re welcome to make fun of his menu behind his back. Do it while you’re carb-loading on Boxing Day.
Dear Urban Diplomat, My wife and I opened up our marriage last year, and it’s been smooth sailing—until now. Her new side piece wants to be my best friend. He laughs too hard at my jokes and keeps asking me to hang out. I’ve told my friends about it, and they think I’m jealous, which I’m really not. I just don’t have the bandwidth for new bros, and this guy is laying it on thick. I can’t tell if he’s insecure or just really wants to be my friend. Any advice on how to broach this subject with my wife? —Budding Romance, Leaside
Men shouldn’t have to rely on women to have these difficult conversations, no matter how unconventional the circumstances. My advice? Don’t use your wife as a go-between to friend-dump this guy. It will likely backfire and make things weird between you and him, which will cascade into weirdness for her. Besides, it’s not really her problem. Instead, consider going out for a drink with the man, just to reassure him that you’re cool with the arrangement. In all likelihood, that’s all he needs to hear. But, if he pushes for a second “date,” tell him that you think it’s best to maintain certain boundaries between you and your wife’s extramarital interests.
Dear Urban Diplomat, I’m a practising Jew, so imagine my surprise when I awoke last week to discover a Christmas wreath on my door. I found the culprit: my neighbour across the hall, who was hanging an identical wreath on her door. When I approached her about it, she cheerily told me that she was simply spreading some holiday joy. She knows that I don’t celebrate, so I laid into her, but now I feel terrible—she seemed sincerely surprised that anyone would object to her festooning. Should I apologize, or was I in the right? —Decorative Deceit, Oakwood Village
Both. Although your neighbour’s actions were culturally insensitive, they clearly sprang from ignorance rather than malice. You were correct to make your feelings known, because no one should adorn another person’s property without their consent, but you could have administered the lesson more gently. Next time the High Holidays roll around, invite her. It’ll be educational, and who knows, you both might laugh about the mishap years from now.
Dear Urban Diplomat, I’m my friend’s go-to moving helper, and she’s terrible at moving. She switches apartments every year and never packs before I arrive. It’s infuriating because the task takes triple the time it should. She just asked me to help her again. In all other respects, she’s a great friend, so I told her I’d do it, but only if she promised to get organized in advance. The thing is, I know she’s not capable of that, and it’s going to be another shitshow, so now I’m thinking of ducking out. Is that kosher? —Everything Everywhere All At Once, Liberty Village
Everyone sucks at something. It’s likely that your friend puts up with some deficiency of yours too, without complaining about it to you. Since you volunteered again, you owe her one more session, doubly so if you value her friendship in other areas of your life. Don’t renege on that solemn request, even if her packing is a hot mess.
