Dear Urban Diplomat: My friends are getting into sober raves, and I just can’t see the appeal
How does one cut loose in a well-lit room while the sun is shining and no one is even a little intoxicated?
Dear Urban Diplomat, I am well into my 30s and still go clubbing to unwind. Lately, my friends only want to attend silent, sober, daytime raves—but these things are like dressed-up networking events: too commercial, too annoying and, frankly, kind of embarrassing. They’re making me feel like a degenerate for wanting to drink while I dance the night away. When did wellness become so boring? What is this, Vancouver? —Ranting and Raving, Little Portugal
Health consciousness has always been boring, but most people make peace with that, usually around your age. If you want to exercise your God-given right to party until dawn, that’s your prerogative, just as it’s fine for your pals to choose abstinence over indulgence. It sounds like your issue is more that your friends’ lifestyles are diverging from yours. It’s okay to skip the sober outings, but try to lean in to other activities you can enjoy together.
Dear Urban Diplomat, After a gruelling post-grad job search, I’ve finally landed a gig with a good salary, and I’ve been dutifully sending my parents cash every month, which is common in my culture. One co-worker, who was born here, asked why I was skipping out on a big concert this fall. When I told her why I couldn’t afford it, she said the whole practice of subsidizing one’s parents seems antiquated and unfair, especially in this economy. It’s not like they’re hard up for cash, so she has a point. Should I keep curtailing my social life for my parents’ benefit or cut them off? —Wage Warrior, Playter Estates–Danforth
Before you make any irrevocable decisions, it’s worth asking yourself: Do you send money entirely out of a sense of obligation or do you derive pleasure from your largesse? If you end up having kids, would you expect them to do the same for you? How did you feel about it before FOMO bared its ugly teeth? Base your decision on your feelings. Your co-worker’s opinion shouldn’t enter into it, especially if yours is a culture they don’t understand.
Dear Urban Diplomat, Buying a four-unit detached house with my friends seemed like a great idea during the pandemic. Now I’m regretting it. One of them split for Calgary and shuffled in their widowed dad. Another wants to convert the garage into a pottery studio. Two others are constantly fighting over the shared backyard. I’m sick of every minor disagreement turning into a pitched battle. I can keep trying to smooth things over, but maybe it makes more sense to cut bait and sell in a down market. Thoughts? —Sharing Is Erring, The Junction
If compromise means torpedoing your mental health, it’s probably time to jump ship. You won’t be the first person to backtrack on a pandemic-induced life-altering decision—or the last. A lot depends on how tidy your co-ownership arrangement is and how thorny it would be to extract your equity from it. The good news: you still have time to save your relationships with your friends. And I’m not a financial expert, but selling in a down market also means potentially buying in one too.
Dear Urban Diplomat, My stepfather’s unsolicited advice is fraying my relationship with my mom. She recently shacked up with this guy after being single for years. Now, he’s always by her side like a yappy, opinionated terrier. He makes comments about my career, my relationships, even my personal style. It’s too much. Every time I push back, it leads to some pretty bad blow-ups with my mom. I’m happy she’s happy, and he’s a nice-enough guy, but how can I get her to muzzle him? —Critical Thinking, Lawrence Park
Remember that your mom is just as inexperienced at bringing a new, fully formed adult into your family as you are at dealing with him. My advice? Try to let his comments roll off your back, then shore up things with your mom. Tell her you need to find time and space to see each other without him hanging around. Insist that it’s nothing personal. She’s in the honeymoon phase; when the shine wears off her new beau, you’ll be happy you kept that conduit open.
Send your questions to the Urban Diplomat at urbandiplomat@torontolife.com
