The Bachelor Canada recap, episode 3: lumberjacks and teeny bikinis

Dear Brad,

You’ll forgive us if this missive sounds a little woozy. We decided to join in on The Bachelor Canada drinking game fun, you see, opting to do a shot every time Whitney said “win” and Chantelle said “virgin” in tonight’s episode. Needless to say, we are now absolutely blotto. And while we’re on the topic of everyone’s favourite 25-year-old female pastor from Alberta, we’d like to say for the record that she may not be quite as innocent as she seems. Who knows? Maybe she’s not even a virgin. This is a competition, after all, yet you seem to be lapping up her Little Miss Purity act.

Other things you are lapping up include Bianka, and quite frankly after seeing her in a bikini it’s hard to blame you—good thing we weren’t taking additional shots for every time the camera panned to her demi-thong bikini bottoms! The allure is obvious: Bianka is a woman in a sea of girls. (Relax Chantelle—that’s not a virgin joke). If you’re going to be with her, though, she’s going to make you work for it—just two episodes in and she had you begging to spend time with her. We have to admit: it’s sort of genius, and we’re pretty sure Cruella de Whit doesn’t like it one bit.

Say what you will about Whitney, but her resolve is as rock-hard as certain of her other cement-like assets. We thought she might actually rip one of her teammates in two when the Pink Team lost the lumberjack challenge (what a sublime bit of CanCon that was). As a result, the two of you didn’t get much time together this week. Do we detect a spark fading? (Please say yes.)

Speaking of sparks, you and Kara were absolutely adorable on your one-on-one ranch date, so much so that Kara has now joined Ana in the very exclusive club of “girls we really like.” We were also down with Sophie, but you kicked her off, so I guess you weren’t. That’s okay though—good move on the aggressive culling. By kicking off four girls instead of two, you proved that you are decisive (hot) and committed to making sure that not a second is wasted in your quest for true TV love.

—XX (hiccup) Your Fairy Love Mothers

(Images: CityTV)