The Bachelor Canada recap, episode 4: a plot to oust the virgin

Dear Brad,

Something’s rotten in Bachelor Land, and it ain’t the fact that Whitney claims to be 24 years old (though she could easily pass for 35, no?). Here are the facts as we see them: Last week, Chantelle-the-virgin-pastor revealed her lack of sexual experience. You said this was not a problem—and to prove it, you kept her around for another week. But then this week she’s the only one who doesn’t get a date, and then all of a sudden her grandfather passes away. Before you can say “saving it for marriage,” she’s leaving the mansion because she decided attending her grandfather’s funeral was more important.

Does the Bachelor franchise really force contestants to choose between family funerals and eternal love? We highly doubt it. Especially given the logistics—the flight from Victoria (where the mansion is) to Calgary (more or less where Chantelle lives) is only one hour and twenty-five minutes. She could have been there and back in less than a day.

Obviously we’re not saying you orchestrated the sad circumstances (and of course we send our good wishes to Chantelle and family), but it does seem like this crisis provided a convenient way to say so long to the virgin without seeming like a jerk.

Now, a few notes on the four girls that remain. To quote Gabrielle: “Whitney is the devil.” She really is. We agree that this show needn’t be about making BFFs, but her whole I-kill-puppies-for-sport aura is just scary. Gabby seems more obsessed with her hate for Whitney than her love for you, so really, that leaves you with two options: Kara or Bianca.

Kara is fun and sporty and ultimately she has a lot more in common with you than the girl who was once engaged to Kris Humphries, but Bianca seems to have a hold over you, so we’re guessing she’s not going anywhere.

Can’t wait for hometown visits. We’re sort of excited to meet Whitney’s family, mostly because we still need proof that she isn’t a robot sent here to destroy you.

—XX Your Fairy Love Mothers