Drake feuded with everyone this week

Last month he was deified for his “God’s Plan” video, dethroning himself on the Billboard 100 and watching his beloved Raps earn the top slot going into the playoffs. But in some sort of reverse April-showers-bring-flowers effect, the first few days of May have been downright shizzy for the Six God.

Here, a breakdown of the latest Drake feuds (in which our hero just can’t catch a break).

Drake vs. Kendrick Perkins

If you were watching the Raps on Tuesday night, our boistrous boy was impossible to miss: agro-clapping and brow-furrowing and clearly looking for a fight, which he found with the Cavs’ Kendrick Perkins. From what we can tell, it went like this: Perkins was engaging in some totally harmless trash talk with his former teammate (and current Raptor’s power forward) Serge Ibaka. Enter Angry Drizzy. In a text to ESPN, Perkins explained: “Drake butted in talking shit to me. So I said something back to him.” The beef seems to have continued after the final buzzer. Per this report in the Canadian Press, as he left the ACC (presumably en route to Sher Club or Pick 6ix), Drizz was heard to say that nobody gets to speak to him like that.

The winner: Perkins. This seems like a classic case of sticking one’s gaudy scorpion medallion where it doesn’t belong, and then trying to save face. As many industry watchers have noted since the scuffle, Drake may want to remember that he is the team’s global ambassador, not their boorish fan dude. A little decorum.

Drake vs. Rihanna

It seems like just yesterday that Drake and Rih were playing into the whole are-they-or-aren’t-they vibe, grinding up on each other while filming the “Work” video at the Real Jerk on Gerrard Street East. But that was then. According to a new Vogue cover story, the relationship has since soured, or at least splintered. Writer Chioma Nnadi describes how Rihanna “winces slightly” when she brings up Drake and that night in 2016 when he gave a super-gushy speech before presenting her with a MTV Vanguard Award. “Waiting through [Drake’s] speech was probably the most uncomfortable part. I don’t like too many compliments; I don’t like to be put on blast,” Rihanna explained. When asked about the current state of affairs, she says: “We don’t have a friendship now, but we’re not enemies either. It is what it is.”

The winner: Rihanna, for knowing that disses are best served with disinterest. It would be one thing if she had told Vogue that she can’t stand Drake or hates him to her core. Instead, her comments make it sound like she just doesn’t give a crap. Ouch.

Drake vs. Lauryn Hill

Last month, Drake released his new song, “Nice For What,” which samples the song “Ex-Factor” from The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. The ‘90s icon gave him permission to use her work, but that doesn’t mean she’s going to let him take credit for her genius. Appearing at the Apollo in New York this week, Hill performed her take on Drizzy’s take on her track, with a few new lyrics added in: “See this is ‘Ex-Factor’/He took the sample/My shit is classic/Here’s an example…Stop acting like you didn’t grow up singing my songs. I swooped down on the bitch like I had wings on my arms.”

The winner: Uh, this is getting awkward. Hill lands a solid diss.

Drake vs. The NBA

If you’re wondering why you-know-who played it like a Walking Dead extra last night, it’s because he’s officially on notice. According to league spokesperson Tim Frank, the NBA issued Drake a warning after Tuesday’s behaviour. ESPN reports that the league’s VP of operations, Kiki VanDeWeghe, met with Raptors president Masai Ujiri to discuss the global ambassador’s courtside manner. Ujiri, for his part, may be the only person on the planet who isn’t currently beefing with our boy. He told the press: “I think it’s a great thing that the guy’s invested in our team like that…You could tell he was stung. I like that. What’s not to like about that?”

The winner: We’re giving this one to Drake. Because after last night’s loss, it’s clear that the Raps need more fight, not less.