Satire-loving Torontonians (who aren’t into the whole Internet thing) rejoice: The Onion’s print edition has arrived
The Onion is coming to Toronto—for real. The satirical news organization will be teaming up with the Toronto Star to bring its weekly print edition (which is just as free as its digital edition, by the by), along with affiliate publication The A.V. Club, to newsstands across the city. The Onion already produces a print version in 14 U.S. cities, but Toronto’s huge online readership is enough to convince the website’s head honchos to bring the ink-and-paper version to town. The Onion has perfected the whole “dry wit” thing to the point that major mainstream media outlets (or whatever Fox News is) have even run their stories as real news. To celebrate, we’ve put together five of our favourite Toronto-/Canada-centric Onion stories, after the jump.
1. “Archaeologists Discover World’s First Guy Named Marty”
On an excavation near the Serbian border, University of Toronto archaeologists discovered a 9,000-year-old Marty—thought to be the earliest Marty known in existence.
2. “Blue Jays GM Confirms There Never Really Was A ‘Roy Halladay’”
“‘A 6-foot-6 225-pound pitcher with a 94-mph fastball who plays 200 innings a season? We’re not giving that guy away for just anything, even if he doesn’t exist,’” J.P. Ricciardi “said” in this piece. “‘The best the Phillies could come up with was Kyle Drabek and a prospect to be fabricated later. You’re going to have to do better than that if you want Roy Halladay.’” Evidently not.
3. “Perky ‘Canada’ Has Own Government, Laws”
Some of the “facts” unearthed in this in-depth investigative report: Canada is known as the “Maple Leaf State”; murder is illegal in Canada; and when Canadians say “Wayne Gretzky” they really mean “Ken Griffey Jr.”
4. “Man From Canada Acts Like He’s Not Cold”
In -5 weather, an Ottawa man visiting Boston insisted he wasn’t cold. But controversy erupted when the man went inside, even though he maintains he has “nothing to prove.”
5. “That Trip to Canada Really Broadened My Horizons”
In a commentary piece, Cliff Burkett reflects on his trip to a “foreign land.” Most of his knowledge of Canada is gleaned from a Let’s Go Toronto guidebook, and his trip includes a stop at Canada’s space needle, his struggles to cope with the metric system and a sandwich from Mr. Sub (“Hey, when in Rome,” Burkett says).