The 10 weirdest Yelp reviews in Toronto

Human beings love to rank and rate things. (See: this very article.) In Toronto alone, there are tens of thousands of Yelp reviews of restaurants, bars, shops and services, praising and panning every piece of matter south of Steeles. Sometimes, that predilection for unsolicited feedback gets a little out of hand. To wit: the strange and silly things that people have reviewed on Yelp in this city. We ventured into the weirdest corners of the site to find out what people were saying about “Jesus Guy,” the Presto Card, the Ex’s wind turbine and more.

“Jesus Guy”

Yelp rating: ★★★½ Who he is: The OG of preacher’s corner (a.k.a. Yonge and Dundas). Erupts in chants of “Believe!" every 15 seconds. Famous for frightening Ryerson students. What the fans said: “I actually like this guy. He keeps me on my toes! Always scares me even when I know he’s there.” What the haters said: “He once threw a water bottle at my goth friend because she looked satanic to him.”


29 Dufferin Bus

★★ What it is: Dufferin Avenue’s loathed bus route. Auto-corrects to Suffering Bus on iPhones. What the fans said: “The Dufferin bus is like the motel in Niagara Falls with the heart-shaped bathtub you stayed in one weekend with your best friends. It’s pretty shitty in the daylight and kind of makes you feel worse if you’re already having a bad day. But with the right mindset, the fun times you’ve had in it are way better than the fun times you could ever have in like a Hilton or a Marriott.” What the haters said: “My relationship with this route reads like a bad telenovella. It basically cheats, steals and lies to me every day, and I continue to ride it as if this tumultuous relationship works for both of us.” “Moses and his flock weren’t lost for as long as I’ve had to wait for this darned bus.”


Eaton Centre Skybridge

Yelp rating: ★★½ What it is: The bridge that connects the Eaton Centre to the Bay. Subject of a 500-word Yelp review complete with footnotes. What the fans said: “I am surprised, Toronto. What do you have against this covered sky bridge connecting my fave stores?” What the haters said: “It smells of pee and disappointment.”


Presto Card

★★ What it is: The reloable transit fare card that the TTC will implement system-wide sometime this year. For use with the green boxes on streetcars that say “Out of order.” What the fans said: “I love my Presto card and would never go back.” What the haters said: “If I could give no stars I would. I was annoyed with this nonsense before the card ever showed up in my mailbox.”


Michael Lee-Chin Crystal

Rating: ★★★½ What it is: The ROM’s facade. Controversial then, controversial now. What the fans said: “It’s a bold, risky and unconventional move in a city that is sometimes needlessly conservative. As it’s a museum, one should regard the ROM with a sense of awe and wonder and sure, even confusion. Museums are supposed to make us think, right? I think the Crystal accomplishes precisely that.” What the haters said: “I’ve hated this since I first saw the blueprint for it. (I was calling it a tumour since then.) If terrorists were to cause a happy accident, they would blow up the Crystal when nobody is there.”


Uniform Measure / Stack

★★★★ What it is: Stephen Cruise’s sculpture of a thimble and buttons on the northwest corner of Spadina and Richmond. What the fans said: “My grandmother was a seamstress, so this statue reminds me of her every time I pass it.” What the haters said: “I don’t hate it, but the garish colours are a little jarring. As a tax-paying citizen, I should not have to walk by (or into) pastel-coloured artwork without ample warning. I’d have preferred the entire thing without the Froot Loop pedestal, but hey, what the hell do I know?”



Hula Girl

Rating: ★★★★ Who she is: The only local character weirder than the I Hate Rubber Boots guy. What the (only) fan said: “It started one Saturday morning a few years ago: an average girl dressed in black walked to the parkette at Dufferin with two hula hoops in hand...She is not just swinging her hips, she is also using her neck, legs and arms...And she does this in silence for hours!”


Christie Pits Tiger

★★★★ What it is: The giant tiger outside Christie station. A symbolic guardian of prosperity and wellbeing. What the (only) fan said: “A long time ago, when I first saw the Christie Pits Tiger, I thought to myself, ‘Huh, cool Christmas decoration.’ Then it was July and I walked by and thought, ‘Oh. Maybe it’s the year of the Tiger...?' Nope.”


The Bagpiper

Yelp rating: ★★½ Who he is: Musician who plays on the northeast corner of Queen and University. Unconfirmed if he’s the same guy who plays Rush on the pipes outside the Rogers Centre after Blue Jays games. What the fans said: “Sure bagpipes are loud...they are the musical equivalent of Jar Jar Binks at volume 11, but I happen to like this guy!” What the haters said: “For the love of God, please STOP! Between this obnoxiously loud windbag and the weirdo ferret handler at the end of the block, I’m gonna have to start walking along Dundas or Richmond.”


Exhibition Place Wind Turbine

★★½ What it is: The wind turbine at Exhibition Place. Rationale for other strange Yelp reviews (i.e., reviewers have written, “If even the wind turbine has review, so must [landmark X]”). What the fans said: “If you’re lost on The Gardiner and can’t find that monstrous tower to give you your bearings, there is always the wind turbine to point you in the right direction.” What the haters said: “It could be spinnier.”


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