The Bachelor Canada recap, episode 1: an open letter to a very giggly ex-football player
THE BACHELOR CANADA Episode 1
We know that finding love isn’t easy. If it were, The Bachelor Canada wouldn’t exist. Except that it probably would—we’re pretty sure that when the entire planet is annihilated in a nuclear holocaust, the only two things that survive will be cockroaches and The Bachelor franchise. Anyway, Brad, point is that love don’t come easy, so we’re here to help you navigate those choppy waters, every week. And by choppy waters, we mean the pack of bat-dung-crazy women who are throwing themselves at you like pencil shavings on a magnet.
Let’s discuss those ladies, shall we? Staring with Mindy. Oh, Mindy. The Rocky Mountain outdoorswoman who dares to wear hiking boots under her ball gown on opening night. Good for you for maintaining your gentlemanly composure when you caught a glimpse of those woolly Mark’s Work Wearhouse socks (we’re not sure we could’ve done the same). Speaking of fashion, we assume “nice dress” is sort of your default line when you can’t figure out what else to say during those oh-so-awkward first meetings? You’re a sharp-dressed guy, Brad—there’s no way you actually think Tina’s candy striper costume and Bubba’s demonic Betty Boop ensemble are “nice” (at least, we hope not). On the plus side, we love how positive you were (you are by far the giggliest guy in Bachelor history, although you might also be the most prone to tears), and how you’re not afraid to tell a prospective sex partner to “Take it easy, eh.”
We know you’re tired (you had to cut nine women last night!) and this is a lot to process, but let’s finish by discussing the black widow in the room. And don’t pretend you don’t know who we’re talking about. Whitney is trouble with a capital B, if you catch our drift. You’re obviously blinded by her bizarre lip purse/eye squint expression, whisper voice and cement breast situation—but trust us when we say she’ll eat you alive.
That’s it for now. We’ll be checking in with you next week after you withhold your roses from another four potential soulmates. Good call on getting the extra rose and keeping Ana, by the way—if we were a buff, 29-year-old ex-CFL player from Hudson, Quebec, she would totally be our pick too.
—XX Your Fairy Love Mothers