Four Weddings Canada, episode 11: a naturist, a steel worker and a priss walk into a wedding (insert punch line)
On this week’s episode of Four Weddings Canada, the show pits four unlikely personalities against each other: Dawn, a naturist with a full back tattoo; Courtney, a 25-year-old steel worker; Patricia, a prissy girl who works part-time at a banquet hall; and Roxy, a floral designer. It’s quite a kooky arrangement, right? Will they get along?
Patricia, age 29 (Budget: $65,000)
This girl has quite the ego. “Because of my body, everything fits me well,” she says. “And every time I tried something on, it looked really good on me.” We disagree when she calls Roxy’s white wedding the most beautiful wedding she has ever seen—we say it looked as though a person under threat of nuclear attack stockpiled all the white satin, white flower balls, white candles and white dresses she could find. When it comes to Dawn, Patricia hates her giant back tattoo of a naked fairy with flames coming out of her pubic region (wowza!). “It’s not classy,” she says. You know what’s not classy? Not finishing your rapini at dinner. We’d rather look at Dawn’s awful tattoo all night than listen to Patricia complain about how she didn’t like Dawn’s personalized vows and back ink.
Dawn, age 36 (Budget: $30,000)
Dawn is down to earth and calls it like she sees it, noting that Roxy’s husband looks “like a pirate.” We’re just going to go ahead and say that Roxy’s husband is a really good sport for letting her dress him for the wedding (because he totally looked like a pirate). On Patricia’s DJ: “If [he] asked people to scream one more time, I was going to scream in his face.” She occasionally doles out bons mots, and she’s very much the mom of this episode—she’s a legit sweetheart.
Courtney, age 25 ($23,000)
Courtney is young and, well, not smart, questioning every minute of the Catholic ceremony at Patricia’s wedding. “From what I understood, he was talking about God,” she says—about a priest, in a church, at a wedding. She also breaks down the fourth wall, noting that Four Weddings Canada “is a family show,” after Roxy says she has an orgasm in her mouth eating a cake pop. Great, now we can’t suspend disbelief that these women are all friends and that they’re on the show to support one another. Our favourite moment is when Courtney complains about not being able to eat and watch a violinist at the same time. Poor girl.
Roxy, age 27 ($100,000)
Florist Roxy is the dullest person in this episode. Her wedding is expensive, and yes, she (or her wedding planner) basically vomited white everything into a church and a reception space—but all she talks about is flowers. Here, a selection of quotes:
On Dawn’s wedding: “I wish there was a little bit more flowers.”
On Dawn’s reception: “I would have added just some more flowers.”
On Patricia’s wedding: “I obviously noticed flowers as I walked in there.”
On Courtney’s lack of flowers: “I don’t think a wedding is the same without flowers.”
At Courtney’s flower-free reception: “I love flowers.”
For being way too precious about everything, we award Patricia with this week’s title of Head Bitch in Ceremony.
(Oh, and Patricia won the honeymoon.)