Four Weddings Canada, episode 10: a bride with a serious case of blue balls

We’ve come to learn that wedding themes on Four Weddings Canada rarely come to fruition. This week, however, one of the brides gets her wish: Jenn, who wants nothing more than a regular day out of the spotlight. Sure, she’s on a reality show, but if she doesn’t want a head table, she’s allowed to not have a head table, and if she wants to avoid the stresses of buying things for her wedding by doing all of her shopping on the Internet, that’s cool, too. Of course, the other three brides scrutinize her humble ceremony to shreds, and Jenn walks away with one of the lowest scores (41.5/120) in the history of Four Weddings Canada. Find out why after the jump.

It isn’t typical for us to outright explain something to the brides of this program, but none of the brides, except for 22-year-old Danielle, are familiar with The Little Mermaid, and we have to listen to Michelle, Jenn and Valentina complain about how Danielle’s mermaid-style dress isn’t appropriate for her fairy-tale princess theme for approximately two minutes (it’s a long time for a television show, believe us). So allow us this brief educational digression. Dear brides, meet vivacious redhead Ariel, daughter of King Triton and Queen Athena, and wife of Prince Eric. Clearly, mermaids can be princesses, too. Now, please, not another word.

Back to the Bitch-o-Meter:

Michelle, age 24 (Budget: $36,000) Michelle’s friends allegedly don’t drink, so she’s comfortable choosing a venue that charges $9 for a mediocre glass of white wine (how thoughtful!). Speaking of thoughts, she can’t seem to grasp why Jenn would have a wedding if not to be the centre of attention. She’s sullen as she discusses the absence of a “lovey-dovey feeling,” which can apparently only be demonstrated with many tears (it is the only way, brides!). Jenn, don’t listen to this bridezilla. Also, Michelle stuffs her face with Danielle’s cheese balls (we admit, they do look delicious).

Danielle, age 22 (Budget: $25,000) It appears that there is a McDonald’s cheeseburger midnight buffet at Danielle’s reception. While we think it looks mighty tasty, we don’t particularly care for the unbelievable wastefulness at her reception. Many portions of uneaten beef are seen in a busser’s garbage receptacle, because people aren’t looking to die from overeating at a wedding, despite what so many brides seem to think. Danielle hates humble dinners as much as she hates entertainment, including Michelle’s highland dance for her husband and the “freestyle soccer players” at Valentina’s reception (although, in fairness, soccer players? This is not a thing). What she loves: “the blue balls” (the candies at Jenn’s candy bar). Balls are a theme on tonight’s episode.

Valentina, age 29 (Budget: $70,000) We can tell that Valentina really wants to be this week’s Head Bitch in Ceremony, so we’re going to do the appropriate thing and not give her the title. She really likes decor, and if there isn’t any, she basically freaks out. Not in a mascara-running-down-her-face way (she believes herself to be a royal, after all), but rather in an insufferable-line-of-commentary-about-how-Jenn’s-wedding-is-a-blank-canvas way. She also likes watching Michelle and her husband cry at their wedding, but still finds it “blah” because she, like Michelle, is not a very kind person. No ball-related imagery to report.

Jenn, age 28 (Budget: $17,000) Jenn is awesome. She feels like a crappy person when she witnesses the food wasted at Danielle’s wedding, she openly mocks the ’80s office chairs at Michelle’s wedding ceremony, and her response to steak is simply, “Damn! Yes.” She refers to the ice cream at Valentina’s reception as “happiness itself” (not in a dippy way, like last week’s Marlena), and she seems to sincerely like many things (the dresses and the food, especially). Any bitchy comments are organic and not made for TV, unlike some other brides we’ve seen (Valentina).

The Hype. Because we’re awesome (and kind of bitchy, sometimes), and the brides this week were kind of lame (except Jenn; we loved her).

(Oh, and Valentina won the honeymoon. She tied with Michelle, but Danielle and Jenn thought Valentina deserved it.)