Canada’s Got Talent, episode 2: cute-but-lame bunnies and, sigh, more hula hoops

Canada’s Got Talent, episode 2: cute-but-lame bunnies and, sigh, more hula hoops
Canada’s Got Talent, Episode 2

It seems like just yesterday we were talking about Canada’s Got Talent. Oh, right, we were. But yet another episode aired last night, this time featuring the talent pool from Calgary. Just as in Sunday’s Toronto-based episode, there were some obvious losers and a few standout performances. We learn that judge Martin Short has a thing for the ladies—he kisses fellow judge Measha Brueggergosman’s shoulders, purrs at sexy performers and repeats the same tired jokes (in both episodes he tells a wannabe star, “You’re going to the next round!” before she even performs). Brueggergosman (a name we never tire of spell-checking) shines in a floral one-shoulder top, but we also have to take note of host Dina Pugliese’s cowboy hat—because this is Calgary and surely every tourist must wear one at all times. Find out what judge Stephan Moccio thinks about drag queens and see a rundown of the best and the worst of Calgary after the jump.

In the show’s first judging panel disagreement, judge Moccio holds out giving a drag queen imitating Cher and Joan Rivers a pass to the next round of competition—but the rest of the voting has stayed remarkably unanimous (and boring). This episode, the final lesson the judges teach us about talent shows is that the use of hula hoops is incredibly important. Toronto’s Aygul Memet moved on to the next round in the premiere episode, while contestant Dallas’s hoop dance gets him a pass in Calgary. We’re reminded of The Hudsucker Proxy more and more with each episode.

Seven-year-old Jack Forestier performs a fiddle medley with his father, Michel, in an adorable newsboy cap, which makes the pair look like characters straight out of Angela’s Ashes (or perhaps something less depressing).

Fat Matt the contortionist wears a shimmery golden spandex Lycra bodysuit—he’s a rotund fella who manages to shimmy his body through a hula hoop (see what we mean? they’re everywhere). It isn’t his corpulent form that turns us off as much as his lame contortionism.

Twelve-year-old Olivia Mary Catherine Smith (that’s a mouthful) sings an aria in the most shocking magenta dress we’ve ever seen. It was like a Holt’s bag made of taffeta. Naturally, the judges and the audience love her (she’s a child!), but we’d be lying if we said we aren’t hoping for an America’s Kidz Got Singing–type smackdown in the future.

Chiq Addiction: the absolutely terrible name says it all. This trio wears revealing outfits in a desperate effort to stand out. We’d liken them to the Pussycat Dolls, but they need some serious dance lessons and Autotune.

Billy Schmidt, the 70-year-old crooner, sings Sinatra’s classic “Fly Me To The Moon” with just as much swagger as the original (take that, Michael Bublé!) in a sharp steel-grey suit.

The slew of mind-bogglingly bad karaoke performers are no better than our drunken renditions of Jann Arden at a Korean karaoke bar. Why wait in a probably day-long line to embarrass yourself in front of all of Canada? We can’t even bring ourselves to do it in front of the crowd at the Gladstone.

Dallas the hoop dancer shows his mastery of a Native Canadian art form some 1,200 years old (it originates before the Europeans came to Canada, jokes Dallas): he performs an acrobatic routine that has him gasping for breath by the end. His natural charm will make him a crowd favourite.

We hate to say it, because the bunnies were just so darn adorable (and, sadder still, rescue animals), but the Canadian Rabbit Hopping Club lacks any real jumping skills (isn’t that what rabbits are known for?). Their trainers simply push them through a course, which makes these rabbits look more like lame ducks.


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