Kiss and Tell: “My date had a superhero fetish”

Welcome to Kiss and Tell, a series about the steamy, surprising and frequently absurd world of Toronto dating. Send your most memorable stories from the pursuit of love and lust in the city to submissions@torontolife.com.

—As told to Lisa Saban

I met Ryan at a particularly vulnerable time in my mid-20s—I was in between jobs and living in my parents’ basement, which made dating especially challenging because I couldn’t invite anyone over. I was on the apps but having no luck. My confidence was at an all-time low since being laid off from my job as a receptionist a few months earlier, but when I met Ryan, it felt like there was hope.

I was standing in a long line at the passport renewal office, feeling tired because I had stayed up late doomscrolling the night before. I’d left filling out all the forms to the last minute, so I was scrambling to finish them in line. There was a question on a form that confused me, so without thinking too much of it, I turned to the man behind me in line and asked for help.

He was a bit awkward, but he knew the answer, and I remember thinking, This guy has his shit together, unlike me. He had dark features and a geeky disposition, and since we had lots of time to kill, we started chatting. I learned that he was a video game developer. I’ve always had a thing for gamers, I think because I relate to the desire to escape into a fantastical world. I love reading for the same reason.

Related: “My date’s apartment was full of snakes”

We exchanged numbers and started texting for a week or so before we went on our first date. We met up at an arcade bar downtown that Ryan had picked. Playing Pac-Man, I quickly learned that Ryan was competitive. I, on the other hand, was not, and he teased me for being so laid back. “Is there anything that you really care about?” he asked. I was annoyed by the question since it had been top of mind for me ever since I got laid off. I told him I was still figuring out what I wanted—maybe I would go back to school. He scoffed at this: “School will just give you debt. You have to learn through doing.” At that moment, I felt our five-year age gap very strongly.

On our second date, we got into a long conversation about our sexual preferences. For a guy, Ryan was surprisingly emotionally mature, and I felt like we could talk about anything. For once, I felt like I was the less mature one. I guessed this was what it was like to date someone older. I told him that I’d always fantasized about having a threesome. He told me that he has a thing for role-playing, specifically for dressing up in costumes while having sex. I’d never tried anything like that before, but I told him I was open to it. He seemed pleased.

Related: “I went on a date and invited my friends along to watch”

On our third date, Ryan invited me to his downtown condo. He had a floor-to-ceiling glass display cabinet of action figures, and he explained each one to me in detail. I zoned out but admired the passion he was exuding. It did cross my mind that it was kind of weird for a grown man to be so enthusiastic about superheroes, but there was also something endearing about it.

On our fifth or sixth date, the plan was to watch a movie at his place and order pizza. We had already slept together a couple of times by this point, and it had been nothing out of the ordinary. This time, we were cuddling on his couch and watching a movie when we started making out. Things got heated quickly, so when Ryan got up and said, “I’ll be right back. Don’t move,” I assumed he was going to get a condom. After a few minutes, I started losing my patience. I realized it was past midnight and I should probably head home soon.

Finally, Ryan came back—wearing a full Batman costume. I froze, trying not to laugh. He stood there, staring at me, and asked, “Is it too much?” There was something so vulnerable about him in that moment. After the initial shock wore off, I was surprised to find myself actually kind of turned on by it. For the first time, I felt like I had the upper hand. I had the power to say yes or no to Batman. I said yes.

Related: “We had sex behind Burrito Boyz”

Having sex with Batman was fun, and I’m glad I tried it, but it was the first and last time. Not because I didn’t want to do it again but because, shortly afterward, Ryan started to grow distant. I was disappointed—I thought things were going so well between us. I felt connected to him the first few times we hung out: we had fun banter and texted a lot between dates. But, after the Batman sex, something shifted. He started taking days to respond to my texts. When I asked him to hang out again, he said he was too busy with work. I was perplexed and annoyed, seeing as I had been so open and generous about copulating with the Caped Crusader.

A couple of weeks later, Ryan called and said that he felt like we were in different places in our lives. I was completely gutted. I had been imagining what it would be like to have Batman’s babies. I didn’t want to admit it, but I had fallen in love with him.

I didn’t bother asking for an explanation—I was too upset by the rejection and wasn’t prepared to face the truth. My self-esteem crashed after that. I decided to take a break from dating and focus on myself. Eventually, I got a job and was able to save up enough to move out of my parents’ basement. Looking back, I’m grateful for the experience, which catapulted me into getting my life together. I still haven’t found my man, but I approach dating with a lot more confidence now. In the end, I think the whole superhero fetish would have got old anyway.