Is Canada’s Olympic men’s hockey team really leaving the village for a five-star hotel?

For Team Canada diehards, much of the Winter Olympics is just a preamble to the puck drop at the men’s hockey tournament, which has historically pitted our nation’s top stick-handlers against Team USA. This year, the always-heated rivalry has been cranked up a few hundred degrees by the political backdrop and the return of NHL players to the Games after a twelve-year absence.

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During that time, the players seem to have developed an attachment to the finer things. How else to explain a new report that Team Canada’s men’s hockey players will forgo the Olympic Village in favour of a five-star hotel? The news was reported by Sportsnet based on comments from the players. “I don’t think we’re doing it as an insult or anything like that,” said goaltender Logan Thompson. “We want to win gold, and we want to give ourselves the best opportunity to do so.”

Which, okay, sure, we get it. A recent story in the Toronto Star likened the rooms in the athlete’s village to brutalist Russia. For a lot of NHLers, this could be the first time they’ve slept in a twin bed since puberty. Still, you can’t say nobody warned them. No matter how you cut it, decamping to the nearest Ritz-Carlton feels a bit like poor sportsmanship—particularly when Team USA is staying put.

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“It’s what, kind of, the Olympics is all about—all the best athletes from all around the world and their respective sports. It’s just very neat, very cool to be a part of,” said American Auston Matthews (who is clearly intent on defending his gold medal in Canada-negging).

The close-quarters rooming situation’s camaraderie does come with a cost: Matthews has described his efforts to get teammate Brady Tkachuk to stop snoring. But that’s all part of a time-honoured tradition. Where else but the village to get in on round-the-clock card games, viral desserts and Olympic-branded condoms?

Maybe the unlimited condom supply explains management’s decision. Bringing home gold requires focus, and the last thing our players need is to catch a case of Italian stallion syndrome. Then again, we have it on good authority that pro hockey players can have hot sex in hotel rooms too.