Deadmau5 has figured out how to solve all of Marineland’s problems

Deadmau5 has figured out how to solve all of Marineland’s problems

(Image: whale: Robert Dewar)

The Toronto Star has been investigating alleged animal neglect at Marineland since 2012, and now—finally!—Deadmau5, the Toronto-based EDM artist and noted animal lover (well, he loves cats, at any rate) has come forward with a solution so simple that it just might (that is, probably won’t) work.

Deadmau5, real name Joel Zimmerman, weighed in on the two-year-old scandal in a Tumblr post on Monday night. Here’s how his rant begins (all caps and spelling [sic]):

you know what i would do if i were you? just get rid of the animals…(not that kinda chainsaw and plastic tarp “get rid of”) but like, you know, find an amicable solution to getting rid of the animals so that PETA and all the niagara falls crusaders will get off your lawn with their fuckin signs n shit.

This is indeed what many Marineland protesters have been asking for. It’s very likely that finding appropriate homes for all the amusement park’s sea mammals would be enough to quell the controversy. Good job, Deadmau5.

Youd win the entire EVERYTHING if you released a statement promising the closure of your animal pens and aquariums. That “good guy” PR would reach worldwide fuckin acclaim…. shit, even SeaWrold (who arent any fucking better by a longshot) would be like… ‘OH SNAP’ and probably forcing them into action.

A sudden decision to free the animals after two years of intransigence would probably be seen as a surrender rather than a genuine change of heart, and if SeaWorld’s owners were going to do anything they probably would have done it a documentary ago. But okay, it’s a nice thought. Thanks, Deadmau5.

Oh wait, there’s more. Later in the post, Deadmau5 concedes that getting rid of Marineland’s animals would hurt the park financially in the short term, but in the long term, he says, “youre STILL sitting on a fucking shitload of acreage thats a theme park…with rides and shit. WHO THE FUCK DOESNT GO TO THEMEPARKS DUMBASS? Magic mountain doesnt have 1/2 dead wales n half dead deer… do i spend a buck or 300 every year to go there? FUCK YES.”

Which, okay, but Niagara Falls isn’t Orlando—and also we’re a little surprised Disney still lets Deadmau5 on its property, considering the trademark dispute.

After the Tumblr post, the Deadmau5-approved Marineland-recovery business plan went through a few more revisions on Twitter:

Wait—actually, why not? It’s not like a Disney resort would make Niagara Falls any worse.