Twelve things to do this Valentine’s Day—including a mass wedding and Star Wars burlesque
Red roses, dark chocolate and candlelit dinners be damned
Valentine’s Day can be divisive. It tends to privilege romantic love, amplify loneliness and—thanks to baked-in commercialism—make everything way more expensive than it needs to be. Still, we can’t say no to a celebration of love, whether it’s enjoyed by long-time partners, platonic friends or slow-burning flames. We rounded up 12 quirky, sexy and downright unhinged events for anyone looking to celebrate differently this year.
A romance movie screening so foul it needs “stink-o-vision”
If you find Valentine’s Day cloyingly sweet and overpoweringly rose-scented, the TIFF Lightbox has the movie for you. On February 14, they’re screening Dead Lover, starring Toronto actor Grace Glowicki as a lonely gravedigger whose stench repels all suitors—until she meets a man, played by Glowicki’s real-life lover, Ben Petrie, who can’t resist it. Audience members get scratch-and-sniff “stink-o-vision” cards timed to key moments.
Things to know: Tickets are $20 and the fetid funk begins at 8:45 p.m. TIFF cautions, “Be warned, the smells are pungent.” 350 King St. W., tiff.net
A big gay wedding begging to be crashed
Queer event company Something and Two of Hearts Chapel are rapid-fire marrying queer couples for their event Hitched at Buddies in Bad Times Theatre, then throwing a loud-and-proud reception for anybody who wants to attend. Ticket holders can expect go-go dancers, live music by ’60s nostalgia band Sextête, and vendors hawking Valentine’s accoutrements like chocolate and vibrators. The event says formalwear is required—but emotional restraint definitely is not.
Things to know: General admission tickets are $25 until February 7—after that, they increase to $30 for late RSVPers. 12 Alexander St., buddiesinbadtimes.com
A Star Wars–themed burlesque show
The Empire Strikes Back is, in this writer’s opinion, an undeniably horny film. There’s Han Solo and Princess Leia bickering and then smooching in the Millennium Falcon, Luke Skywalker constantly training shirtless and Darth Vader heavy-breathing the entire time, making it ripe fodder for The Empire Strips Back, a Star Wars–themed parody burlesque show. The performance is visiting the Royal Theatre this month from a land far, far away (Australia). Highlights include Luke Skywalker suggestively licking a lightsaber, Chewbacca hip-thrusting and C-3PO erotically disassembled.
Things to know: There are plenty of shows to catch if Valentine’s Day proper is booked up. The Empire Strips Back runs until the end of February, often with multiple showings a day. Tickets start at $47. 608 College St., theempirestripsback.com
An aura-revealing photoshoot
If you’re the kind of person who always asks your date’s birth time so you can check on their sun, moon and rising signs, there’s an even more woo-woo way of determining compatibility you may want to try. Post V-Day, Lite Mind Body Clinic is offering couples aura photography sessions, which purportedly expose the colourful energy fields surrounding their subjects, revealing hidden emotions and anxieties. Whether you buy into the pseudoscience or not, the rainbow-hued photos sure are dreamy.
Things to know: $130 for a 45-minute slot for two on February 15, with three souvenir photos to take home. 87 Harbord St., litetoronto.com
Related: Toronto’s 10 best cooking classes
A leather fetish ball
Looking for a kinky Berghain-style rave? The fetish ball at Crews and Tangos could come close. Not only is the bar celebrating unapologetic pride (just like it does every other night) to the tune of pulsing beats, it also encourages partygoers to serve strappy looks via a partnership with Toronto’s Canadian-made fetish apparel retailer, Northbound Leather.
Things to know: General admission is $40, and the event page notes that there will be no dungeon or installed play equipment—more room for high-energy dance. 508 Church St., @crewsandtangos
A sketch comedy show about dating
Heated Sketchery at the Danforth’s Comedy Bar promises to cover the history of Valentine’s Day through scenes about the never-ending quest for love, the trials of keeping it alive, and bedroom hijinks and kinks. While the show isn’t technically Heated Rivalry–themed, we’re sure a few explicit gay hockey jokes are bound to make an appearance.
Things to know: There are shows on February 13 and 14, and at just $15, it’s a wallet-friendly option. 2800 Danforth Ave., comedybar.ca
A (literally) trashy collage party
Morning Parade Coffee Bar knows love can be trash, so they’re hosting a cozy get-together two days before Valentine’s Day at their Gerrard East location, encouraging guests to bring in paper scraps saved from their lovers’ garbage cans to be collaged into kitschy, sentimental cards. (Better get consent before rummaging through someone else’s trash, though.) Event organizer Alison Thompson will also lead a flexagon (a foldable piece of paper art) tutorial at 7 p.m. Tools and glue will be provided, but attendees are on their own when it comes to heartfelt declarations of love.
Things to know: The event starts at 6 p.m. and is pay-what-you-can. Supporting the hosts by buying a café drink or two is recommended. 1952 Gerrard St. E., morningparade.ca
A massage workshop for couples
Mosaic Yoga in Dovercourt Village is hosting a workshop where couples can learn to bend, stretch, crank and step on each other—through the art of Thai massage. To kick off the satisfying physical sensations, Mosaic is serving a cacao elixir.
Things to know: The 2.5-hour spot for two starting at 2 p.m. costs $150. Mosaic suggests keeping it light when it comes to eating before the event—digesting a big stew while being squished into the ground could turn things less romantic. 225 Sterling Rd., unit 23, mosaicyoga.ca
A ruby-red masquerade fit for Burners
The night before Valentine’s Day, the Revival in Little Italy blushes red for the Heartbreaker’s Ball, a decadent masquerade raising money for Tarna, an art car heading to Burning Man. Ticket holders can expect a luscious feast, circus performances and a dance floor full of mysterious prospects. It may not be the most altruistic cause, but it’s bound to be a hot event.
Things to know: Tickets are $39 in advance, $45 at the door. Guests can bring their own masks or procure them from an artisan booth at the event. 783 College St., revivaleventvenue.ca
A Toronto-side ticket to Moulin Rouge
The Parisian-inspired cabaret troupe Triangle d’Or will perform an intimate burlesque show, the Voulez-Vous Revue, at the east end’s Redwood Theatre. Think plush crimson curtains, dozens of legs, flying gloves and lacy G-strings galore.
Things to know: Advance tickets are $99 from Eventbrite, and the show starts at 7:45 p.m. on February 14. 1300 Gerrard St. E., triangledorcabaret.com
A Galentine’s night with Lilith Fair energy
Many would agree that earnestness is way freakier than any kink. By that logic, the Monarch Tavern is hosting the most transgressive Valentine’s event of all with Cupid’s Mixtape: a femme-folk live music night with non-alcoholic wellness drinks and a craft corner. Knock a few of those herbal potions back and you may find yourself onstage belting Sarah McLachlan’s “Sweet Surrender.”
Things to know: Tickets go for $40 and doors, which open at 5:00 p.m., have early-to-bed nights for all at top of mind. 12 Clinton St., themonarchtavern.com
A vetted, professionals-only singles mixer
For anyone who saw Materialists and yearned for a similar cost-benefit-analysis approach to partnering up, Toronto Dating Hub is hosting an applications-required singles mixer at Bar Rustica. Approved attendees get a colour-coded wristband that signals their age bracket, so whether you’re after a baby blue or an old yeller, you’ll have no trouble finding your match in time for V-Day.
Things to know: Ladies’ tickets start at $25; gents’ start at $30. Optional add-ons include a personalized coaching session or a list of mini profiles on all guests in attendance. If you can’t get into this one, Toronto Dating Hub is also hosting singles mixers on February 11 and 23. 571 Queen St. W., torontodatinghub.com
Lindsey King is a Toronto-based writer and editor whose work can be found in Toronto Life, Maclean’s, Canada’s 100 Best and more. She is interested in arts and culture, food and drink, architecture, design, and real estate stories
