The Yard recap, episode 2: from shart to finish
Anyone who’s ever met a tweenage girl has seen the true face of evil, and this week on The Yard, Nick and his gang get a sense of how powerful the schoolyard girls really are. Any threat from Frankie’s crew is nothing compared to the subtle jabs of these ponytail-flipping femme fatales, led by Frankie’s pigtailed, brace-face sister Mary, her flirty sidekick Patti and hangers-on Piya and Sadie.
This week, their target is Johnny, and we don’t blame them. We thought this kid was a dolt after we saw that he had safety-pinned a homemade tinfoil lightning bolt to his T-shirt. This week we learn that in addition to being dumb as a brick, he’s also kind of gross.
We take a look at this week’s schoolyard schemes, strategies and sharts after the jump.
The Set-Up: This week, Johnny is treated to a double-whammy of humiliation. First, Patti kicks him in the balls (or ’nads, as one schoolyard interviewee calls them) after he tries to kiss her (we get the story secondhand from the tragic forgotten child Cory, who heard the whole thing go down when he was under the playground stairs eating dandelions after his alcoholic mom forgot to pack him a lunch). Then, in the throes of pain, Johnny loudly sharts (hint: it requires a change of pants) in front of the whole schoolyard. But after finding a come-hither note from Patti on Johnny’s person, Nick, our husky-voiced hero/playground leader, suspects foul play.
The Scheme: Just as Nick thought, Patti’s kick in the family jewels is a setup, ordered by Mary and meant to humiliate Johnny in an effort to put a stop to his perversions (he’s as much of a pervert as a sixth grader can be). As we found out last week, Johnny really likes girls. So much so that his ultimate dream is to find a girlfriend that he can saw in half for his magic act (if anyone’s keeping track, now he’s stupid, gross and a misogynist). The girls tell us that Johnny expresses his interest by sniffing their hair (“His breath smells like cat food,” complains Piya), tricking them into drinking love potions or spying on them in the bathroom. The public humiliation (the kicking of the balls) is a necessary measure designed to keep this idiot in line.
The Upshot: As Nick investigates the Johnny incident, he discovers that while he may think he calls the shots, it’s only because the girls let him—as Mary demonstrates, a single text message from her can lead to a string of chaos in the yard. To maintain peace on his turf, he has to keep the girls happy. But while the girls think they’re brilliant, the fact that a) Mary thinks Johnny owns a working invisibility ring and b) Patti kisses Johnny after he sharted makes us question their intelligence. Oh, and Nick and Mary sort of kiss, but it’s so brief and awkward that we don’t really want to talk about it.
Most Valuable Player: Six-year-old Adam, for being at that precious age where he doesn’t give a Jujimon card about girls. “Hiccups are how girls get rid of gas. Hiccups are kind of like girl farts.” Bless his heart.