UFC has mystery announcement for Toronto—three ideas for what’s in the boxtagon

Canada has a well-known love of mixed martial arts and the UFC in particular. Toronto bars regularly fill up for every Georges St.-Pierre fight, who’s doing his best to bring English and French Canada together by being so awesome even language can’t keep us apart. So the cryptic news that the UFC plans “a major announcement” next Tuesday at the Rogers Centre has led to all sorts of speculation.  Some of it is boring but probably accurate: that the Premier still hasn’t relented in his belief that UFC has no place in Ontario, that the league is going to open an office in Toronto, or that they’ll televise Vancouver’s UFC 115 under the dome at Rogers Centre. But what fun is that? Here, three better ideas.

Boats
Anyone who has seen Gangs of New York knows this is the old-school way to get around nanny state rules against boxing: just tow a big barge out to the middle of the lake, and hold a UFC match there. Stadium seating would be a problem, but maybe Toronto’s upper crust could spot us a few yachts. We hear they’ve had a hard time of it recently.

Roadside attractions
Assuming that it’s not a rejected prop from Splice, this creature they’ve pulled out of a northern Ontario lake could be the next contestant. Supporters will say the UFC is a serious sport and not some big-top freak show. We say bring on the monster.

Pitching in for the G20
How better to get the province on side in this dispute than to offer services, Justice League style, that would help police the streets of the city? Toronto has to watch out for protestors, vandals and firebombs—we could use the help. Bringing Brock Lesnar back to Canada after he slagged our health care system would be worth it.

• UFC plans “major announcement” soon [National Post]
• UFC to make ‘major announcement’ in Toronto [Globe and Mail]
• MMA supporters marshalling for a fight [Toronto Sun]