Politicians, bureaucrats or the general public: Whose ass would you rather kick?

Three of the current job openings are for what you might call “bureaucops,” policing positions that can be performed from the comfort of an office desk (no badge required). If you have it in for public servants, you can apply to become the new ombudsperson, who, according to the press release, will “receive, resolve and investigate public complaints related to the delivery of city services and programs.” But if it’s municipal politicians that you really can’t stand, then you might be better suited to the job of integrity commissioner, who evaluates ethical lapses in council members’ conduct, which happens often enough. David Mullan, the current integrity commish, is retiring at the end of August, though the job has not yet been posted. (Interview tip: the politicians are the ones doing the hiring, so make like you’re really mild-mannered.) If you think politicians are fine in theory, but in practice are corrupted by big business, consider the fine position of lobbyist registrar.

If you don’t really have a preference for who you get to boss around—if you fancy a sort of generalized authority over the largest possible number of people—then consider the position of TTC special constable, also known as transit cop, recently advertised in the Careers section of the Toronto Star. Depending on the outcome of an ongoing study, you might even get to carry a gun or Taser. Note that priggishness and distaste for social disorder (“good moral character and habits”) are important qualities in any successful applicant.

But if you’re not the control-freak type, there are still lots of other jobs available, including, for outdoorsy types, a parks and rec seasonal posting for a gardener. Just be sure to read the fine print: in addition to gardening, the job description includes “washroom cleaning.” Ick.