Kiss and Tell: “My Hinge date made me spend hours with his parents”

Welcome to Kiss and Tell, a series about the steamy, surprising and frequently absurd world of Toronto dating. Send your most memorable stories from the pursuit of love and lust in the city to submissions@torontolife.com.

—As told to Andrea Yu

I had just ended a bad relationship when I matched with Josh on Hinge. He had given me a “rose” instead of just a like, and you only get one free rose per week. I took it as a sign that he was really into me. He was very much my type, muscular with lots of tattoos. He reminded me of Tom Hardy. We started messaging each other and realized we both liked rock music.

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Josh started sending me voice messages through the app, which I wasn’t used to, but I thought it was kind of sweet. While we were chatting, he told me that he was living with his grandma at the time. I wasn’t super impressed by that, but he was cute, so I gave him a pass. He also told me he was sober, which didn’t bother me at all. And he warned me that he was pretty chatty.

After about a week of texting and voice messages, we went on our first date at a bar in Harbord Village. We met up around 2 p.m. on a Sunday. I showed up first, and Josh arrived a few minutes later. He was just as attractive in person as he was on the app. He was wearing a band T-shirt with the sleeves cut off, and the arm openings were quite deep, so I could see a lot of his torso and muscles, which was appealing to me. I’m into punk-rocker types.

Josh ordered a lemonade, and I got a beer. We got to chatting, and I quickly learned that Josh had not been lying when he said he was talkative. He started telling me about all the movies and TV shows he liked, in punishing detail. I can’t even remember what shows he mentioned since I’d never heard of them before, but I think they were mostly comedies of the Parks and Recreation variety. He also talked about being in a rock band, and when he mentioned the name to me, I actually recognized it. I hadn’t seen them play before, but I was impressed.

It was hard to get a word in edgewise, though. He didn’t ask me any questions. But, still, I got a good vibe from him. He was really friendly and smiley. So, when he suggested that we go take his dogs for a walk, I was up for it. It was a beautiful day, and I thought that walking around might help break up his constant monologue.

Josh had driven to our date, so we hopped in his car. I figured we’d be driving back to Roncesvalles, where Josh said he lived with his grandma. But then we started merging onto the highway, and I got confused. I asked where we were going, and he casually said, “Oh, we have to go out to my mom’s house because the dogs are there.”

At that point, I felt a little bit panicky. I had just gotten into a stranger’s car, and I didn’t know where we were going. He told me that he thinks it’s totally fine to meet someone’s parents on a first date and that he wouldn’t want to be with someone who felt otherwise. I suppose that was supposed to feel reassuring, so I went along with it.

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Forty-five minutes later, we were in a cookie-cutter subdivision in Mississauga. His mom was out, but Josh’s stepdad was sitting on a couch in the garage, smoking pot. It was a weird scene. I thought to myself, Where am I? How did I end up here? But I was trying to stay positive. The three of us hung out in the garage while we waited for his mom to come home. It was mostly Josh and his stepdad talking. I felt pretty awkward.

It wasn’t until half an hour had passed that Josh’s mom finally arrived. She was really warm and kind. She told me I was very pretty before going into mom mode, asking if I needed a drink. She took a few hits of her partner’s joint before taking me and Josh into the backyard, which was completely overtaken by huge, seven-foot-high weed plants. There were so many of them that they were growing over the fence. I had never seen anything like it before.

“Wow, what’s all this?” I asked. Josh’s mom explained that they grow it for themselves and share it with their friends. The way they talked about it seemed breezy and casual, so I tried to go along with it. I’m from the UK, so I figured, Hey, it’s legal here. Maybe this is normal.

We headed to their back deck, where we chatted and drank sodas. It all seemed very strange to me, so after another half an hour, I asked Josh if we were still going to take the dogs for a walk. He said yes and headed into the house. He came back with two Staffies. They were big but really friendly.

Josh and I walked his dogs around the neighbourhood for an hour. We ended up at a baseball diamond, where we sat in the grass and chatted for a bit while the dogs ran around. The sun was starting to go down by the time we headed back to his place, so it must have been around 6 or 7 p.m.

I told him I was pretty tired and hungry and that I should probably head back to the city. Looking back, it sounds so stupid, but I was still really attracted to Josh and thought we might hook up. I suggested that we stop by his place on our way back. He sounded surprised and mentioned again that he lives with his grandma, so we couldn’t go back to his place. “But I have an idea,” he said. “Just trust me.”

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We got into his car and he drove to a more affluent neighbourhood with lots of trees. He pulled over in a secluded area, then hopped out and started moving things out of the back seat. Then it hit me: This guy wants to hook up with me in the back of his car. I knew that was definitely not going to happen. “You can stop doing that,” I told him. “This is not what I had in mind. I’m too old to hook up with someone in the back seat.”

He was very chill about it. I felt bad about turning him down, and I still thought he was really cute. Plus, I wanted to see if there was a romantic spark. So I kissed him, and we made out for a while. It was kind of nice.

After that, he started driving me home. On the way, he told me he wanted to show me some songs he liked. So he held my hand and started yelling screamo songs at me. It was the most awkward thing. When we got back to my place, we made out for a little longer, and then I went home.

I was so exhausted from being out and “on” for so long, but at that point, I was still considering seeing him again. Let me reiterate that he was really cute and nice. During our date, I kept trying to convince myself that what was happening was normal. But, once I started telling some friends about it, they helped me realize that our date had in fact been very odd.

Josh and I exchanged a few texts in the following days, but ultimately I decided that he wasn’t the guy for me. I made up an excuse, saying he reminded me too much of my ex. He was really understanding, and I never heard from him again.