Kiss and Tell: “My date said he goes out with unattractive women because it makes for good stories”

Welcome to Kiss and Tell, a series about the steamy, surprising and frequently absurd world of Toronto dating. Send your most memorable stories from the pursuit of love and lust in the city to submissions@torontolife.com.

—As told to Chiara Greco

When I matched with Kevin on Hinge, I thought he was the perfect guy for me. He was in his 40s, tall and muscular, with a good job and his own home. He was also a single parent, which was a huge plus for me because I’m a single mom. Most of the men I’d seen on dating apps were seeking low-commitment one-off hook-ups, but Kevin seemed to want more. I was looking for a true partnership, and Kevin ticked all my boxes.

We talked for about a week over Hinge and through texts. He was charming and respectful, and he seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me. We spoke about our kids, the gym, our travels, our jobs. It seemed like we both valued family, which was important to me.

So, when he asked me out, I said yes right away. We decided on a midday lunch, since we’d both have to pick up our kids from school. He told me to choose the place. It was patio season, so we agreed on a nice restaurant with a large outdoor section. I was really looking forward to it and felt hopeful about a potential relationship.

Related: “I spent the entirety of my friend’s wedding avoiding three men who were trying to hit on me”

We met up outside the restaurant and quickly noticed that half of the patio was closed off. It didn’t seem like a huge deal to me since there was still a lot of space to sit and eat. But Kevin was adamantly against sitting outside all of a sudden, even though he’d agreed to it beforehand. He wouldn’t explain why; he just kept saying no, which was a bit annoying. I suggested that we find a restaurant nearby with a bigger patio, but he said that would “ruin the vibe.” It was a bit of a red flag, but I didn’t want to argue. We ended up getting a spot inside.

As soon as we sat down, the facade that he had built up during our online conversations completely disappeared. It was like I was on a date with a totally different person. He immediately started talking about other women he’d been out with recently. Honestly, I think it’s fine to share stories about other dates, but not right away. He told me that most women hide behind social media filters, then explained how he’d gone on a date with a woman who was “so ugly” that he’d laughed at her and then left. He said going out with “unattractive” women made for fun stories. Then he kept insulting his ex, who’s also the mother of his children. I thought that was pretty rude and immature.

My shock must have shown on my face, because he said, “You have nothing to worry about. As soon as I saw your butt, I knew I’d picked right.” I didn’t feel reassured. Then he started telling me how he was a butt-over-boobs guy. It was like he was in his 20s and not in his late 40s. Despite it all, I kept thinking back to how much he had going for him—the job, the house, the rare understanding of what it’s like to be a single parent. I remembered how slim the pickings were in the dating world and tried to overlook his gross comments.

Related: “I thought my first-ever date would be romantic. Instead, the guy fetishized my lack of experience”

This all happened, shockingly, before our waiter had even come over. When they finally interrupted our conversation to ask if we were ready to order, Kevin immediately said no and shooed the waiter away. He didn’t ask me if I wanted anything.

The entire time, the only thing he asked me about was my gym routine, which I think was just a veiled attempt to talk more about himself. He started going on and on about his own rigorous workouts and extreme diet. Meanwhile, he was obnoxiously jingling his BMW keys in his hand. I finally gave in and made a comment about them, which led to a diatribe about his beloved car. He also talked a lot about his alleged six-figure salary. He said, “I’m making more money than I ever thought I would in my lifetime.” It was obvious that he was shallow.

It was hard to believe he was the same guy I’d been messaging with. It felt like he’d catfished me, but with his personality instead of his picture.

At this point, the waiters were circling our table. It was pretty busy, and we’d been there for about an hour without ordering. I suggested that we split an appetizer or have a drink, but Kevin refused, saying it would mess with his diet. I was getting frustrated. Who goes to a restaurant and doesn’t order anything? When the waiter came by for the third time and Kevin didn’t shoo him away, I was relieved—until he ordered distilled water. Of course he would, I thought, rolling my eyes.

Related: “My date took me to a casino and ditched me to play slots with her aunts”

But I was hungry, so I ordered a salad and a sangria off the happy hour menu. Kevin didn’t seem too pleased with my decision and shook his head in response. When my food came, I offered him some, but he refused. We spent over three hours at the place, and all he had was water.

As we were nearing the end of our date, Kevin suggested that we meet up again sometime. I agreed, even though the date hadn’t been what I expected. I thought, Why not give him a second chance? I tried to convince myself that his rudeness could just be first-date nerves. And, besides, he was very good looking.

But, when the waiter delivered the bill, which was a mere $18, Kevin made a huge scene out of paying it and didn’t tip. He kept complaining, loudly, that he “didn’t even have anything.” It was so embarrassing, especially for a guy who’d just been going on about his six-figure salary.

As we were leaving the restaurant, he leaned in for a goodbye kiss. I dodged it, but he didn’t seem hurt. He said he’d text me to plan our next date and then drove off in his BMW. Even though I was reconsidering whether he was worth my time, it felt like we left things on good terms.

That all changed when I got home. I went to look back over our messages and realized that he had blocked me on everything. Our Hinge conversation was gone, and none of my texts were going through. I couldn’t get ahold of him. I was shocked. I didn’t know what had shifted since he’d tried to kiss me, but obviously he was no longer interested in talking.

A few days later, a friend of mine suggested I go to the “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” Facebook group to look him up. It’s a page where women post warnings about toxic men they’ve been on dates with. Kevin had a unique last name, and when I searched for him, he popped up immediately. There were multiple posts—horror stories about him berating women or laughing in their faces or ghosting them. Now, I do everything possible to vet people before meeting up with them. A quick online search is always worthwhile.