/
1x
Advertisement
Proudly Canadian, obsessively Toronto. Subscribe to Toronto Life!
City News

Here be monsters: five reasons the alien invasion won’t affect Toronto too much

By Jon Sufrin
Copy link
(Image: Mike  Willis)
(Image: Mike Willis)

Stephen Hawking was all doom and gloom this week when he spoke to the Times of London about extra-terrestrial life, suggesting the not-so-novel idea that they could arrive as conquerors. “If aliens ever visit us,” he said, “I think the outcome would be much as when Christopher Columbus first landed in America, which didn’t turn out very well for the Native Americans.” True enough, although we think that this city boasts a few traits that make it a perfectly welcoming place for space invaders. Below, five reasons why Toronto can stop worrying and love the alien invaders.

1. They’d feel right at home Toronto has enough unique—read: ugly—architecture to convince any aliens that they are still in their own wonky, intergalactic spacescape. City hall has, after all, been twice featured in Star Trek, the favorite TV series of aliens universe-wide.

2. They’ve already been here for quite some time If this footage of a real UFO in Toronto is not convincing enough, a “renowned” physicist from Bulgaria says aliens are right here, right now, observing us and communicating through crop circles. Apparently, they are kind of ticked off about global warming, but this bodes well for humanity since they haven’t conquered us yet.

3. They haven’t heard of Drake There’s a good chance aliens don’t use radios, which may be why SETI isn’t working. But what’s bad for scientists might be good for us: top 40 radio hits will be new and irresistible to them. We doubt even extraterrestrials could resist the charms of Justin Bieber.

4. Our mayoral candidates are endlessly amusing What foreign species would want to annihilate Toronto when that would deprive them the enjoyment of watching Rob Ford put his entire foot in his mouth?

5. They wouldn’t be able to get around If the aliens do happen to be hostile beyond rationality, they’d probably be better off choosing another major city to take over—one they could actually move around in. Might we recommend L.A.?

NEVER MISS A TORONTO LIFE STORY

Sign up for This City, our free newsletter about everything that matters right now in Toronto politics, sports, business, culture, society and more.

By signing up, you agree to our terms of use and privacy policy.
You may unsubscribe at any time.

This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply.

Advertisement
Advertisement

Big Stories

Inside the rise and fall of the Vaulter Bandit, the 21st century’s most notorious bank robber
Deep Dives

Inside the rise and fall of the Vaulter Bandit, the 21st century’s most notorious bank robber

Inside the Latest Issue

The May issue of Toronto Life features the artists, professors, scientists and other luminaries moving north to avoid the carnage of Trump. Plus, our obsessive coverage of everything that matters now in the city.