Here be monsters: five reasons the alien invasion won’t affect Toronto too much

Here be monsters: five reasons the alien invasion won’t affect Toronto too much

(Image: Mike Willis)

Stephen Hawking was all doom and gloom this week when he spoke to the Times of London about extra-terrestrial life, suggesting the not-so-novel idea that they could arrive as conquerors. “If aliens ever visit us,” he said, “I think the outcome would be much as when Christopher Columbus first landed in America, which didn’t turn out very well for the Native Americans.” True enough, although we think that this city boasts a few traits that make it a perfectly welcoming place for space invaders. Below, five reasons why Toronto can stop worrying and love the alien invaders.

1. They’d feel right at home
Toronto has enough unique—read: ugly—architecture to convince any aliens that they are still in their own wonky, intergalactic spacescape. City hall has, after all, been twice featured in Star Trek, the favorite TV series of aliens universe-wide.

2. They’ve already been here for quite some time
If this footage of a real UFO in Toronto is not convincing enough, a “renowned” physicist from Bulgaria says aliens are right here, right now, observing us and communicating through crop circles. Apparently, they are kind of ticked off about global warming, but this bodes well for humanity since they haven’t conquered us yet.

3. They haven’t heard of Drake
There’s a good chance aliens don’t use radios, which may be why SETI isn’t working. But what’s bad for scientists might be good for us: top 40 radio hits will be new and irresistible to them. We doubt even extraterrestrials could resist the charms of Justin Bieber.

4. Our mayoral candidates are endlessly amusing
What foreign species would want to annihilate Toronto when that would deprive them the enjoyment of watching Rob Ford put his entire foot in his mouth?

5. They wouldn’t be able to get around
If the aliens do happen to be hostile beyond rationality, they’d probably be better off choosing another major city to take over—one they could actually move around in. Might we recommend L.A.?