Casting the Rahim Jaffer made-for-TV movie
Remember watching that CTV flick about SARS? Or that Toronto-filmed biopic about Celine Dion? Neither do we, so we figured this whole Rahim Jaffer affair could make for a far more memorable miniseries or made-for-TV movie. To help kick-start the making of this still-imaginary project, we’ve come up with a few casting suggestions.
Character: Rahim Jaffer
Motivation: Former Conservative and Reform MP from Edmonton who pleaded guilty to careless driving in March but escaped more serious charges of impaired driving and possession of cocaine. Now owner of Green Power Solutions, he allegedly told clients he has access to government funds—an accusation government sources deny.
Played by: Ronnie from Jersey Shore.
Reason: Jaffer’s party-boy reputation, overly gelled hair, square jaw and Richmond Street attire outside of the office (including this white seersucker blazer paired with a red button-up; very Scarface).
Character: Nazim Gillani
Motivation: An associate of Jaffer’s, Gillani is the CEO of International Strategic Investments and was suspected of fraud and tax evasion. He lives in and works out of a million-dollar home on Kipling; has an entourage consisting of a former CFL guard accused of steroid production, a lawyer whose licence was suspended three times, and a bevy of interns; dines with “busty hookers”; is reportedly engaged to an escort; calls the Bloor Street adult establishment Club Paradise his “office”; and once faced charges of carrying a gun in B.C.
Played by: Murtz Jaffer (no relation to Rahim), host of Reality Obsessed.
Reason: We’re casting Jaffer solely on appearances, though it can be argued that hanging out with fame whores is pretty much the same as hanging out with actual whores.
Character: Mike Mihelic
Motivation: 37-year-old former Argonauts offensive guard (he was once charged with steroid production and pot possession and is now Gillani’s VP of business affairs, though he looks like more of a bodyguard). He was charged, along with Gillani and others, with fraud in November.
Played by: Dwayne Johnson (a.k.a. The Rock).
Reason: Only an ex-wrestler can fill out Mihelic’s six-foot-five, 317-pound frame. Also, full disclosure: we can’t find a photo of Mihelic anywhere for reference, so we just went with The Rock because he’s big and can act (compared to other wrestlers).
Character: Stephen Harper
Motivation: His tough-on-crime party was accused of hypocrisy after former Tory MP Jaffer received a “slap on the wrist” fine and had more serious charges dismissed.
Played by: Former Governor of Illinois Rod Blagojevich.
Reason: Actually, not for politics. It’s the hair.
Motivation: 23-year-old escort from Cachet Ladies who is apparently engaged to Gillani after meeting him on an escort date a year ago.
Played by: Adam Giambrone’s once-upon-a-fling, Kristen Lucas.
Reason: Hey, she said she wanted to be famous. Welcome to the wonderful world of the Celebrity-Industrial Complex.
Character: Helena Guergis
Motivation: Former Status of Women minister and wife of Rahim Jaffer. Best known for throwing a tantrum at a Charlottetown airport back in February when airport staffers asked her to take off her shoes at a screening. More recently, it was discovered that her employees were writing glowing letters about her to newspapers without disclosing their connections to the minister.
Played by: Former Star Magazine reporter and current Michael Lohan fiancée Kate Major.
Reason: When it comes to conflicts of interest, Major is the American poster child du jour.