Testing out the equipment at Wicked

Control Alt Delete is a film about an Internet porn fetish that escalates to full-on shagging with a computer. (It’s a complicated process, but it involves a drill, bubble wrap and a generous amount of lubricant.) So it was fitting that the film’s after-party be held at Queen Street West’s notorious red-light venue, Wicked. We’d been once before but weren’t allowed up into the naughty area, even though we claimed to be swingers—obviously, we screamed “sex spy.” Last night, we were especially excited to return for a full tour around the three-storey sex maze. Like a modern-day Goldilocks, we tried out the sex swing, but it creaked too much; straddled the pommel horse, but it felt somewhat perverse; dipped our hand in the whirlpool, but it was a wee bit hot. Then we found a bed, and it felt just right.

Had we not been scared of waking up to find a man fornicating with a laptop or, even worse, waking up to a computer molesting us, then we would have shut our eyes and slept there all night. Instead, we chatted with the man in the kissing booth about politics and congratulated Tyler Labine on his stand-up performance in Control Alt Delete, to which he responded, “Yeah, it’s kind of a weird movie, eh?” It’s a hilarious movie, and we had a lot of “eww, gross” fun watching the dimples on his bum wiggle as he pounded the hard drive.—Jen McNeely