Canada’s queen of gossip, Lainey, tells us what she knows about the coming of Oprah, Mariah, Clooney, Cage and more

TIFF starts tomorrow, so for our last-minute update on what to expect, who to look for and where to go, we sat down with none other than Elaine Lui, a.k.a. Lainey of eTalk and Lainey Gossip.

Where Oprah goes, the congregation will follow—even to Sotto Sotto.

TIFF.TO: What does it mean that Oprah Winfrey is coming to Toronto for the world premiere of Precious?
LAINEY: For a long time I’ve referred to Oprah as ‘The Mighty O’ and use capitalized pronouns when referring to her because people act like she’s God. Sometimes, I feel like she acts like she’s God. So it’s almost like God is coming to Toronto…like we should have a temple or something in her honour.
TIFF.TO: But is God bigger than Brangelina? When they came to town a last year, near riots took place.
LAINEY: Crazy people tried to chase them down the street, a woman held her baby up to their car. Obviously, that is ultra über-embarrassing. If that was my friend, we would break up…[This time,] the flock has been summoned to promote Oprah’s film. She’s calling on her Toronto-based congregation—and they will come out in droves.
TIFF.TO: We hear that Mariah Carey and Oprah will be dining at Sotto Sotto. Will Mariah—who has a supporting role in Precious—mistake the droves for her own fans?
LAINEY: I can’t wait see Mariah Carey bring her tease to TIFF. She loves being the centre of attention; she loves posing and being ridiculous. At a film festival where your film is being talked about winning an Oscar, she’s going to be all over it. I cannot wait to see that up close. I think it will make my life.

George Clooney is taken, but Nicolas Cage welcomes all to Ultra.

TIFF.TO: Like everyone in Toronto, we can’t wait to shag George Clooney, who is in town to promote Up in the Air and The Men who Stare at Goats. What’s the status of the world’s sexiest bachelor?
LAINEY: You know he’s been dating this Italian piece for the summer, and she has quite a reputation. She has her own sort of titty shots. She’s definitely in line with the kind of woman that he’s been known to go out with in the past: cheap and available.
TIFF.TO: Dammit.
LAINEY: Many women pushing around their strollers around the mall in suburbia think that he’s the perfect man and that given the opportunity they’d definitely be with him…He’s just acting like a pig because he hasn’t found the one yet. That’s an illusion. George Clooney is not that package.
TIFF.TO: He is, however, great at a party.
LAINEY: There’s something about George Clooney that is really old Hollywood. He’s what you want when you envision Sinatra—and I hate to evoke that Ocean’s Eleven Rat Pack [comparison], but it’s true. When George and his crew go out somewhere it is what you think it is: cigars, drinks—they get drunk, laugh, and women are lounging off their arms. Even the wind seems choreographed to blow their hair properly.
TIFF.TO: Not any Joe Schmo will be able to walk into Clooney’s bash, but everyone is welcome to Ultra on September 15 for the after-party celebrating Bad Lieutenant, starring Nicolas Cage. Finally, we are all invited to a celebrity bash. Is this an attempt to win over his fans?
LAINEY: [Cage] just keeps on making shitty movies and he takes himself so seriously. I don’t know what the problem is right now.

Drew Barrymore’s make-out sessions, Demi might be eating at Ame, a bump on Penelope Cruz

TIFF.TO: What about Drew Barrymore? You’re betting that Justin Long will accompany her to TIFF for the premiere of her directorial debut, Whip It, and maybe to the after-party at Tattoo Rock Parlour on September 13.
LAINEY: I do not want to see Drew Barrymore and Justin Long making out anymore. They’ve made out in Toronto a ton. I’m over it. He probably has a small role in the film because she doesn’t seem to be able to do anything without him these days. Leave him at home. Just come with Ellen Page—that would be great.
TIFF.TO: Hugh Hefner will have his usual blonde babes in a row at the world premiere of Hugh Hefner: Playboy, Activist and Rebel at the Visa Screening Room on September 12. Would you like to interview the geriatric porn crackerjack?
LAINEY: Provided it’s not one of those situations where the questions need clearance from some fucking publicist. I’m not interested in an interview with Hugh Hefner about what he had for dinner last night.
TIFF.TO: We are waiting for Ashton Kutcher to tweet about whether or not Demi Moore has in fact booked new Japanese restaurant Ame for her TIFF shindig, as rumour suggests. So far, he hasn’t hinted to his 3.5 million Twitter followers. Do you know anything we don’t? Will they at least arrive together?
LAINEY: They are inseparable; they love to be strong and open in public.
TIFF.TO: Will Javier Bardem help lift Penelope Cruz? She’s pregnant, and her bump should be in full force by the time TIFF rolls out.
LAINEY: I doubt it because they are so intensely private, but it would be super cute.