On this week’s Four Weddings Canada, we meet rock and roll princess bride Sara—but more importantly, we meet her cleavage, which is in our face every few minutes or so. We also meet Lori, who presumably chose to be on a reality television show to share the “painfully romantic” story of how she and her husband met—she certainly didn’t go on the show to win a honeymoon, because her wedding takes place in what’s essentially a low-ceilinged basement. Add about 20 more shots of cleavage, a drunk bride (who actually admits she’s wasted), a bunch of roaming children and a bride who wants to eat everything (including the other brides and their children), and you’ve got this week’s episode.
Sara, age 33 (Budget: $40,000)
This cleavage-flaunting (your breasts were basically spilling out, lady) self-described “rock star princess” hates children, and she isn’t afraid to share that with the camera. She refers to Michelle’s children as her “wildest nightmare” and takes issue with the kids running around at Michelle’s reception. No big deal, though—apparently she plays a “mean air guitar.” If you’re a friend of Sara’s, you probably don’t have kids, because that would just be too great a burden on her.
Mattea, age 25 (Budget: $12,500)
Mattea has three children who are presumably in school, and yet she herself has no clue where Macedonia or Fiji are. What’s more alarming is that until she meets Macedonian bride Sara, she had no idea that Macedonia is actually a place, let alone a word. Blatant, face-palm stupidity aside, Mattea admits to being absolutely wasted at her wedding (“I have already won. I am wasted!”), and suggests that the trio of brides go for chicken wings after Lori’s basement-hosted hors d’oeuvres–only reception. In other words, she’s our kind of woman. She also has the gall to call out Michelle’s choreographer to the confessional cam (Michelle performs a dance at her reception with her flower girl and bridesmaids)—apparently Mattea ran into her in the washroom and she admitted to the catty bride that the group had performed the routine incorrectly. Me-ow!
Michelle, age 27 (Budget: $27,000)
Michelle just wants everyone to have a good time, and therefore she is incredibly boring to watch on a reality TV show.
Lori, age 43 (Budget: $3,500)
She’s certainly the episode’s “aw, shucks” mom type, since she says things like “hoochie” in reference to Sara’s exposed décolletage. She also says she wants to eat a child, in that cutesy, “gosh darn, you’re just so cute, I want to eat you” sort of way, before declaring that Mattea looks like marzipan in her wedding dress (this time, making an eating sound to indicate that she’d like to eat her). Besides being hungry in a vaguely cannibalistic way, Lori won’t shut up about how precious her history with her soon-to-be husband is, to a point where we suspect that she just went on the show to prove to herself—and everyone else—that her life and love story is special. Share that with your friends, Lori, not us.
For outing Michelle as being ill-equipped to memorize a short dance routine, we award bride Mattea with this week’s Head Bitch in Ceremony. (Chicken wings, later?)
(Oh, and Mattea won the honeymoon.)