Four Weddings Canada, episode 1: Kraft Dinner edition
Four Weddings Canada, Episode 1
The new Slice reality show Four Weddings Canada follows four brides pulling out all the stops—and claws—to win a dream honeymoon vacation. Each bride will score weddings on the quality of the food, the venue and the dress, but we’re more interested in how awful these women are. Meet the inaugural cast: 24-year-old self-described “princess” Kristen, who plans to have (shocker!) a princess-themed wedding and hates mermaid-style gowns; 39-year-old Chantal, who is planning a soap opera–themed wedding and wears a mermaid-style gown, but hates cash bars; 21-year-old Jori, a country girl whose wedding has a cash bar and Kraft Dinner as a side; and Melissa, a 28-year-old aerobics enthusiast who is planning a traditional Latin ceremony and, turns out, hates Kraft Dinner. Check out who was naughty and who was nice (spoiler alert: no one) in our Brides Behaving Badly report card after the jump.
Many women want to feel like a princess on their special day; some want to feel like a princess all the time. Kristen is the most obnoxious bride of the bunch: her wedding features a shiny satin gown, a cash bar and chafing dishes packed with hors d’oeuvres that look like they came from the frozen foods section of M&M Meat Shop. These are the trappings of a true princess, naturally—Kate Middleton wishes her wedding looked like this. We see Kristen’s uvula at least three times as she yawns through Melissa’s ceremony. She was likely still tired from the stress caused by Chantal’s gown: “I just can’t get over the mermaid style,” she keeps saying.
Chantal is an image consultant and wardrobe stylist. In theory, that means she understands clothing more than most people; in practice, maybe not. She does her fair share of talking smack about the other bridal gowns, despite the fact that she can barely move in her own mermaid-style dress. Chantal is none too impressed with the environmental terrors of Kristen’s wedding, like the smell from a nearby farm, a waterfall and traffic. We were really excited at the prospect of her soap opera–themed wedding, but here it just means tables named after popular soap actors and a boom box blasting the theme song from The Young and the Restless. At the very least we had hoped for Precious the chimp from Passions to make an appearance, or maybe a possessed Marlena Evans impersonator.
From the get go, Jori is pegged as the Elly May Clampett of the bunch, and she’s perfectly content playing that role. She’s paying only $6,000 for her country wedding (after hers, the lowest budget is Kristen’s, at $25,000), and she’s asking all guests to wear cowboy boots. At other people’s weddings, she asks stupid questions like, “Do you think it’s inappropriate to fan myself with a Bible?” No, it isn’t inappropriate, but it’s also not very smart. A Bible is a thick book; waving it in front of your face will not cool you. Things in the church that might have made a suitable fan: a wedding program, a church bulletin, a fancy bonnet, Jori’s brain farts.
Melissa’s so boring that her wedding doesn’t even have a theme! She’s fairly pretty, fairly wholesome and fairly fair. She shows a modicum of bitchiness at Jori’s reception, where she complains about the food—but come on, it’s Kraft Dinner. Her lowest point is when she mucks up the one touching moment of the entire show: Jori’s fiancé says “wawfully” instead of “lawfully” because he’s nervous (aw!), and Jori plays along by doing the same (double aw!). But Miss Stick-Up-Her-Pants Melissa is not impressed: “You don’t want to make a joke of the whole thing.” Shut up, Melissa.
For baiting the other brides with free booze in hopes that they would grade her wedding mercifully and for her unreasonable aversion to Ariel, we declare Kristen to be this week’s Head Bitch in Ceremony. Take our word for it: she was unbearable.
(Oh, and Chantal won the honeymoon.)