Canada’s Got Talent, episode 1: how to shove a blunt object up your nose

The name of the show explains the entire premise of Canada’s Got Talent—it’s a pageant that searches across Canada for the most talented Canadians (duh). Contestants perform briefly until the judges press the X button (just like on the American counterpart), which brings their performance to a halt and sends them packing. This iteration of the Simon Cowell–created show features City TV’s Dina Pugliese as host and music producer Stephan Moccio (famed for co-writing two of the most overplayed songs in Canada: Celine Dion’s A New Day Has Come and the Vancouver Winter Olympics theme song I Believe), soprano Measha Brueggergosman and funny man Martin Short as judges. The prize is $100,000 in cash, a new car valued at over $100,000 (we presume it can talk and has turbo boost technology), a chance to perform in an unspecified Las Vegas show and a spot on City TV’s annual New Year’s Eve show (where none other than Shawn Desman can be seen almost every year). Fourteen acts performed in this episode, and here we present the best and worst of the bunch.

The search starts in Toronto at what looks like the Metro Toronto Convention Centre. Since this is a reality show with three judges, sponsored drinks are prominently displayed, and while Randy Jackson, J. Lo and Steven Tyler sip Coke and Simon, Paula, LA Reid, Cheryl Cole and Nicole Scherzinger are refreshed by Pepsi, this is Canada, so naturally the judges drink Tim Hortons (complete with Roll Up the Rim cups). We presumed Pugliese would sport wild outfits, but it seems the style star of this competition is Brueggergosman, who wears a kelly-green fur vest and a peacock feather necklace, and whose hair is so high it rivals the CN Tower. Since the first few episodes of any reality show worth its salt must always feature some goofy contestants (like a pretty 19-year-old who simply belches for two minutes), it’s obvious who should stay and who should receive the dreaded X. Perhaps tonight’s Calgary auditions will include a pretty 19-year-old who makes fart noises with her armpit.

Project Dunk from Kitchener is a team of dudes performing fancy dunks with a trampoline. We’d love to see them do it without the trampoline, but this isn’t NBA Jam and there’s no “on fire” mode in real life.

Georgio Londo the tenor is a man with a penchant for floor-length fur coats and looks more like an Elvis impersonator than a tenor. His wobbly, up-and-down performance didn’t impress us, or the judges. We won’t be seeing any more of him.

Terry—stage named KRNFX—is a guy who does crazy stuff with his voice, like beatboxing and even mimicking a cello. His performance makes Moccio and Brueggergosman dance, which is a good sign that he is doing something right.

Aygul Memet is an impressive hula hoop artist. She’s of Uyghur descent and fled to Canada through the Chinese circus when the Chinese government annexed her land. Her talents—including spinning five hula hoops at once—make us feel bad we couldn’t even get one to spin around our fat bellies for four seconds.

The artist Oliver Oliver performs with a giant red wig that looks like it might have been borrowed from Carrot Top. Her talent? Simply spinning a hula hoop around her neck. Unlike Memet, she doesn’t have much grace with the hoop. And she only uses one, not five! The judges decide to give Oliver Oliver the X, and so do we.

Volodymyr Martyniuk the magician (not exactly a stage name that rolls off the tongue) sports a magnificent greying crimped mullet, with style that can only be described as Pirates of Penzance meets Phantom of the Opera. His levitating rose trick and inimitable stage presence give Martyniuk a push to the next round.

The Monsters of Schlock are a gross-out act, plain and simple. We’re not too excited by people who staple a picture of Martin Short’s face (or anything, really) to their own face, and while it’s a strangely impressive trick, no one should shove the blunt end of a fork up their nose. We’re glad we won’t be seeing this carnival act next round.