Dear Urban Diplomat: How do I excuse myself from saying grace without offending my boyfriend?
Dear Urban Diplomat: How do I excuse myself from saying grace without offending my boyfriend?
Dear Urban Diplomat,
I started dating a wonderful man who is Christian. I’m agnostic, but I respect his faith and understand that it brings him comfort. The only thing that bothers me is that he likes to say grace in restaurants. Every time he closes his eyes, puts his head down and takes my hand, I want to crawl under the table. I’m thankful to the chefs, not our heavenly father, for preparing the food we are about to receive. How can I get out of this ritual without offending him?
—Unholy Communion, HIGH PARK
You have to give your new beau credit for having the courage of his convictions. A less committed person would nix the public prayer for the sake of conformity. And if he’s that devout, this is likely one of several rituals he’ll introduce you to (say goodbye to Sunday sleep-ins). It’s perfectly reasonable to opt out of the practices that make you squirm, especially when the relationship is fledgling. Explain your feelings, but focus less on your embarrassment and more on your sense of fakery when you pray: your spiritual doubts are as valid as his beliefs. Let him know that when the two of you go out for dinner, you like to keep things secular. If he’s as wonderful as you say, he’ll understand. If not, it’s best you part ways now, before you end up married and arguing over whether or not to send your kids to Bible camp.
Send your questions to the Urban Diplomat at urbandiplomat@torontolife.com
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Dear Urban Diplomat,
I started dating a wonderful man who is Christian. I’m agnostic, but I respect his faith and understand that it brings him comfort. The only thing that bothers me is that he likes to say grace in restaurants. Every time he closes his eyes, puts his head down and takes my hand, I want to crawl under the table. I’m thankful to the chefs, not our heavenly father, for preparing the food we are about to receive. How can I get out of this ritual without offending him?
—Unholy Communion, HIGH PARK
You have to give your new beau credit for having the courage of his convictions. A less committed person would nix the public prayer for the sake of conformity. And if he’s that devout, this is likely one of several rituals he’ll introduce you to (say goodbye to Sunday sleep-ins). It’s perfectly reasonable to opt out of the practices that make you squirm, especially when the relationship is fledgling. Explain your feelings, but focus less on your embarrassment and more on your sense of fakery when you pray: your spiritual doubts are as valid as his beliefs. Let him know that when the two of you go out for dinner, you like to keep things secular. If he’s as wonderful as you say, he’ll understand. If not, it’s best you part ways now, before you end up married and arguing over whether or not to send your kids to Bible camp.
Send your questions to the Urban Diplomat at urbandiplomat@torontolife.com){kind=link}
Public displays of faith in a secular environment are inappropriate. If you go out on friday night would you expect a Jewish family to light candles and start their Shabbath dinner ceremony? If you are at a restaurant at noon would you expect a muslim to whip out a rug and start bowing to the east?
Saying grace in a public restaurant is inappropriate behaviour, as is taking cell phone calls, purse dogs, and children under 5 in any place with tablecloths. As Liz Lemon would say – Dealbreaker.
If he loves you just tell him the truth.
A basic prayer is not inappropriate, and as long as it’s the basic personal type that is more reflecting a Christian background and Judeo-Christian roots society. As long as it is not something out of this sphere, such as loud, noticeable or disturbing, then this is fine. We all know which is appropriate and fitting and what is not, in our western society. As for that woman, why would you be dating or even go for a Christian anyway? Are you not confident that there are fish in the sea for you, who are more of your type?
For an agnostic and a Christian or any other religious person to live together, both parties have to be really relaxed about the other not dealing the same way. My husband is a Catholic but doesn’t really practice his religion except to attend traditional services such as family weddings and funeral. I go to respect their beliefs. If you get married, where would you both agree to have the service? .