Dear Urban Diplomat: How do I say no to being a godfather?
Dear Urban Diplomat,
I work with a widowed single mom who has an eight-year-old son. As I have a daughter the same age, we’ve bonded over parenting. Recently, she told me she has no close family and no friends she would trust to look after her son should something happen to her. Then she asked if I would be his godfather. I hastily gave her a line about needing to discuss it with my family, but the request just feels inappropriate, desperate and weird. How do I say no without sounding like a heartless bastard?
—Don’t Corleone, GTA
The best way to let her down gently is to tell her straight up. She must know she’s asking a lot, so it shouldn’t be a huge surprise when you say you’re just not ready to take on the extra responsibility. If your friend truly cares about finding an appropriate landing spot for her child, she’ll welcome your honesty. If not, she can always tap her favourite Starbucks barista or Facebook acquaintance as a plan B.
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Not sure what the letter-writer is so worried about – it’s not really some great responsibility in a legal sense of the word. Being named a child’s godfather has no legal standing in terms of obligating someone to take custody of their “godchild” should something happen to the parents. It’s an expression of the parents’ wishes, sure, but in any custody matter concerning children, the court’s primary (if not only) concern is the best interests of the child. The court isn’t going to hand a child over to someone completely ill-equipped to raise them just because the parent named them a godparent way back when. Being named a kid’s godparent MIGHT have some persuasive value, particularly if the parents have no other living relatives AND that godparent has expressed an interest in looking after the child in question AND is in a position where they are capable of doing so, and even then, it wouldn’t be determinative; it would just be another factor the court takes into consideration.
In other words, by all means say no if it is meant to convey that you don’t consider this person a “close” friend such that you would even accept a purely symbolic “honour” from them, but if the concern is that you’ll be somehow obligating yourself to possibly raise another person’s child, that concern is pretty much unfounded.
Being a godparent and being a legal guardian are two very different things.
It’s a deal you shouldn’t refuse. It’s ceremonial only. Guardianship, as in in a last will & testament, is for real, and should be someone other than a godparent.