Dear Justin Bieber,
We can’t believe you’re 18 years old already—it seems like only yesterday you were plucked from obscurity on YouTube at the age of 13. Remember when people thought you had syphilis? Gosh, those were crazy times. It’s hard to believe that at one point in your career you were able to evade fans by taking off on a Segway, but you did it, and with such grace. Now that you have a whole Twitter army who will bend to your every whim and sneak into your hotel room, you’ve upgraded to some big-boy wheels—smart move, young man. At this point, we just can’t escape you—we smell you every time we walk into a Shoppers Drug Mart, you’re on the covers of magazines, and you really had us worried when you lost your swagger coach last year and allegedly knocked up some girl (thankfully, your swagger is still intact and you’re not the baby daddy). And make no mistake, we haven’t forgotten about the earth-shattering announcement that you had cut your hair—indeed, we’ve only just recovered. Well, Biebsy, you’re probably out smooching Selena Gomez or groping her at a sporting event, so we’ll let you go. We just wanted to wish you a very happy birthday. Even if rocketmanxxx is handling your Johnson.