A nihilist (and fake) Justin Bieber declares that people’s love or hate of him “means nothing in the grand scheme of geological time”
Will the real Justin Bieber please stand up? The Onion fooled Fox Nation once, so perhaps it’s trying to pull a fast one on Bieber Nation next. The satirical faux-news source has published a philosophical diatribe reportedly authored by the most famous 17-year-old ever to escape from Stratford, Ontario. Titled “Your Obsessive Love Or Hatred Of Me Means Nothing In The Grand Scheme of Geological Time,” Faux Bieber aptly sums up the spectrum of responses on his phenomenal fame. “On one side, you have people who have vaunted me to such lofty heights it is tantamount to deification; on the other, my high-spirited song-and-dance routines elicit an almost murderous rage.” He really does seem like an old soul in a young body, doesn’t he?
As the piece continues, Faux Bieber takes an existential—even nihilistic—stance on humanity, musing that any adoration or loathing directed toward him “is no more significant than a grain of sand on a beach,” since “soon everything—this planet, the moon, myself, the Milky Way Galaxy, Usher, and all of your pointless mooning and disdain—will be forever silenced by the unstoppable spiral into total entropy.” If only the real Justin Bieber was so eloquent in his musings.